


New Perspective

by captaincaitay



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2020-08-06
Packaged: 2021-02-23 12:30:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 23,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23711539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captaincaitay/pseuds/captaincaitay
Summary: Modern AU!Life seems to be falling apart around you as your husband of three years suddenly reveals an affair, and seeks a divorce. Your perfect life is flipped upside down with his revelation and you have to learn how to be you again. An unforeseen friendship starts to bloom between you and your neighbors new lover, but will these late night rooftop rambles be enough to keep you from going completely batshit crazy in the turmoil of your life?
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Peggy Carter/Steve Rogers, Sharon Carter/Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers/Reader
Comments: 54
Kudos: 162





	1. No Sunshine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this was an idea I came up with like two days ago and I love it?? this Steve is different than the one we see in the mcu poor boy. also we're ignoring Sharon's relation to Peggy ok don't.....dont come for me ok

The only thing people dreaded more in the morning then running late, missing their bus, or possibly anything that could go wrong that early in the day is the sound of the alarm that rings through your phone. It’s scientifically proven that 53% of people feel absolute dread when the incesstuous beeping that comes out of the tiny device startles them awake. But there are people who wake up before it even starts, already anticipating that god awful sound to start their day. You were one of those people as of late.

Before the sun had risen over the building around you and peeked into your bedroom, you were awake. You honestly couldn’t say if you had fallen asleep or not. Your eyes felt exceptionally dry but that could have been from the crying rather than the lack of sleep. But still, you watched your screen illuminate the room and ring loudly to let you know it was 7 am. You had to drag your hand to cancel it, and laid on your side for a few moments after.

You weren’t ready to “conquer the day”. You wanted it to disappear and you along with it. Unfortunately, life wasn’t as graceful to you as you hoped. Or else none of this would even be happening. You wouldn’t be lying here in the dark having to accept the fact your husband of three years was having strangers come and move all his stuff out. You wouldn’t have to be living with the fact that he wants a divorce and instead wants to be with the woman he cheated on you with. No, life was a piece of shit. Shit shit shit shit  _ shit. _

You pushed yourself up and rubbed at your face to try and get any kind of feeling back into it, or maybe just back into you. You threw the cover off your body to get out of bed, and fixed it right back to where it was perfectly neat. You hovered for a moment, your eyes going over the unslept side of the bed that he used to sleep in. It was perfectly intact, his dent almost completely faded away by now. It broke your heart to look at so you got dressed as fast as you could and went to the living room.

His boxes littered every square inch of the apartment, it was like climbing mountains for you to reach the small kitchen to get some kind of caffeine in you. But when you finally popped that K-Cup into the machine and it made you a steaming hot cup of coffee, you let it warm every inch of your body. By the time you finished the cup of coffee there was a knock on your door, and you knew it was the movers. You placed the empty mug down into the sink and then trampled over a few more lines of boxes before you could throw the door open.

There stood about three men, and one handed you something to sign, and you did. Almost immediately after handing them back the clipboard they came in and got to work. You watch in silence as they take load after load of the boxes around the room, and out the door to the van outside. Each trip makes your heart break a little more, because the room gets more and more empty as they go. He had a lot more possessions than you thought. It was making the apartment look sad and empty. Not like the home it once was.

They went room by room until they made it to the bedroom. All there was in the boxes was his clothes, every last one of them. With each mountain of boxes that left, you saw the last and final one, with your wedding album sticking out the very top one. At least he was taking that with him. Maybe . . . Maybe he would look at it and just remember what you two had.

You watched them load that stack onto a dolly and felt prompted to follow them out. Though they took the elevator and you went for the stairs, you nearly met face to face near the entrance to the building. You trailed after the men and noticed the rain that was pouring outside, and then one of them suddenly stopped in front of you.

“He told us to make sure you held onto this,” the man said, and before you knew it he was shoving the wedding album in your arms. You grabbed it quickly since the man was pushing the dolly out into the rain. Your feet only brought you as far as the threshold, and you leaned against the doorway and watched them quickly back up those last few boxes. You felt your hand shaking before you, and tightened your grip on the album in your arms, watching as they loaded themselves in and drove away with the last remnants of your marriage.

You listened to the patter on the rain on the street as it sunk in for you that that was it. He didn’t want to work on it, he just wanted out. And now he was out. Gone. And you were alone. You peeled yourself off the doorway and took a step back into the building, and closed the door shut. Closed yourself in from the world. With the wedding album in your hand, you walked back up the stairs and to your apartment, letting the door close behind you.

Oh god it was so empty. The walls looked stripped without the photos that once decorated them; you could see the shadows that were once there. The couch that was in the living room looked lonely without the armchair he took with him, but it was so . . . just so barren.

You looked at the time on the microwave. 10:05. God, not even a lot of time passed by. What were you going to do all day? You couldn’t stay here. That was definitely not the answer. You walked back to your room and snatched your phone from the bedside table and dialed the only number you knew by heart (besides his), and it rang a few times. But once you heard the voice on the other end you relaxed your shoulders.

“I was wondering when you were going to call,” Natasha’s voice rang in your ear. You smiled a bit, though you were actively fighting tears back. “Did they leave already?”

“Yeah.” You nodded. “Yeah they’re gone. Everythings gone.”

“Did he-”

“No,” you cut her off, already knowing her question. “No, he didn't come.”

“Bastard,” she mumbled, and you rubbed your hand on your pants, “Well, Wanda and I were meeting for brunch. Want to meet us?”

“God yes,” you pleaded, already up and grabbing a jacket to wear. “Cafeteria?”

“Always,” Natasha answered and said her goodbyes and you were out the door. As you were locking your apartment you spun around and hit a body.

“Geez, I’m sorry-” you trailed off as you were met with the stare from your neighbor, Sharon.

“No worries,” she moved around you with an awful amount of bags, and seemed to struggle with her keys.

“Do you need help . . .?” You asked and she sighed but nodded her head. You quickly hopped over and grabbed her keys from her fingers, and jimmied her door open, and she was in quicker than you could pull the keys out. As she set her groceries down, she let out an exasperated sigh.

“Thanks,” she said and walked back over to her door.

“Yeah no-” before you could finish her door shut in your face and you blinked a couple times, -problem.”

Sharon and you didn’t necessarily get along, but who really did with their neighbors? She was a lot better than the old tenants who left their garbage out in the hallway. So you couldn’t really complain, right? You didn’t ponder too much about it as you were headed down the stairs and into the rain.

Cafeteria was one of the more bustling restaurants to meet for brunch in Chelsea. Lucky for your girl group, you had another friend who managed it. Getting a taxi in the rain was probably the hardest part of your journey, ignoring your life crisis of course, and luckily you were into the building fast enough that you weren’t  _ completely _ soaked. You looked over the brunch crowd before spotting your friends and made your way over. Wanda was the first to see you as she sipped away on her mimosa, but let out a hum when you got closer to signal to Natasha, who stood to hug you.

You all exchanged heys as you settled into your chair and pushed your damp jacket off your arms. Natasha leaned forward to rest her elbows on the table, and watched you pensively.

“I’m surprised you aren’t weeping buckets of tears in your apartment right now,” Natasha said before leaning back in her chair and sipping on her drink. “Good for you though.”

“I’m so glad I can count on you for support, Nat,” you said, opting for water right now. You felt dehydrated with all the crying you’ve been doing recently . . . Last night . . . In the cab.

“He’s a sack of shit,” Nat said, earning a nod from Wanda. “I know you love him but holy fuck.”

“Nat,” you warned, but it only prompted her to set her drink down and move forward again, pointing at you and Wanda.

“No, don’t “Nat” me, okay. He is a sack of shit, and I can’t believe he’s doing this all because-”

“Nat,” you warned, a little more forceful this time. “Please. I know.”

She grumbled, sitting back in her chair like a pouting child. Wanada raised her brows, having been sipping on her drink during Natasha’s little tyraid.

“While I agree that he’s a sack of shit, I’m glad you came,” she said, placing a hand over yours. “It wouldn’t have been the same.”

“Thanks,” you managed with a forced smile.

“I should’ve known it was you three when they said I had friends needing a table,” Clint’s voice rang from behind. “Never come just to see me.”

Clint was the one running this joint for the last few years, and he was exceptionally good at it. He liked to brag about the fact that the service stayed “spectacular” even with the boost in numbers they were doing every week. Clint was the embodiment of a true business man, maybe that’s why him and Natasha got along so well. Even dressed for the part, he side hugged each woman at the table and saved you for last, engulfing you in his arms like he could protect you from everything in the world.

“Hey,” he murmured while placing a kiss on your head. You swatted him away and Clint chuckled, whacking you with the towel he had placed over his shoulder.

“This is technically coming to see you,” Natasha said, reaching for her menu. “But we might as well eat too while we’re at it.”

“Yeah whatever you freeloaders,” he joked, earning chuckles from everyone but you, the least you could offer was a smile. “Are we wanting our usuals?”

Each woman said yes and handed him their menu, and Clint was gone in a flash. Wanda and Natasha started talking about something you weren’t paying too much attention to, and your mind began to drift to the day your life started to fall to pieces.

Your marriage wasn’t horrible, in fact to you it had been perfect. You two never really fought, and it was as if the honeymoon phase never ended. He brought you flowers all the time, and when you were working he’d manage to sneak into your office and wrap his arms around you from behind. He always took great detail in the little things, and that’s why you were so fucking in love with him. And the sex? That was otherworldly too. He was otherworldly.

He got home a little late that night. Late enough to where you were already cooking dinner, and he came in fairly quietly. You remembered calling out to him but was only met with silence and the echo of his feet to the living room. The lack of response is what made you look over your shoulder at him and see him staring at a picture that was hung on the wall. A picture of the both of you. He held his tie in his fists and looked like he had seen a ghost.

That’s how he told you he had had an affair. In the middle of your home with you mid stir of the pot of food, he blurted it out so casually you could have missed it. Or well maybe not, not something that grand, that devastating.

“Here we go,” Clint’s voice brought you back to reality as he set food down in front of everyone.

Wanda sat up in her chair exceptionally giddy at the food before her, and Natasha had just finished her second mimosa. Clint told everyone to enjoy and was off again to do who knows what. The smell before you was deliciously pungent, and you realized you haven’t had a proper meal in days. Thank god for these people in your life.

“You zoned out there,” Natasha noted in between bitefuls. “You’re not thinking of him again, are you?”

“No, I’m thinking about how scary you look trying to fit all that in your mouth at once,” you joked. Natasha glared at you which only made you smile a bit. “I can’t help it Nat. I don’t know what to do with myself.”

“That’s what we’re here for,” Wanda chimed in, motioning around her plate with her fork. “To remind you he’s a sack of shit.”

“Exactly,” Natasha pointed to her friend before looking back at you. “And to get you to come out and forget about all of it.”

She wagged her eyebrow at you and you shook your head. “I don’t think I’m in a partying mood right now.”

“Well when you’re ready, we’ll gladly take you out for a night on the town,” Wanda smiled. “Like the old days.”

_ Like the old days _ .

Wanda’s words stuck with you for the rest of the day. You weren’t sure if that’s what made you finally crack with the realization that not only were you about to be divorced, but a whole chapter of your life was pretty much thrown out the goddamn window. Eight years of your life to be exact. Your college years all had traces of him in your memories, then the year you got engaged, and then the three years of marriage. He was all you knew for nearly a decade now. Oh this was officially all fucked.

Another thing that was fucked? Your neighbor. Apparently.

Here you were trying to drown yourself in vodka and sleep, and your neighbor was getting fucked. Literally. Even with the amount of alcohol you consumed and the fact it made your head whirl wasn’t enough to block out the incessant banging next door. You were suddenly very aware of the fact her bedroom lined perfectly up with yours. Uncomfortably aware. You blinked at your ceiling wondering if this is how she felt when your husband and you--

No. You quickly deleted that thought from your mind. No more talk of him.

With that you pushed your blanket off and stumbled out of bed. Wow, you had more than you thought tonight, but the fact only made you giggle humorously. You haven’t been this tipsy since. . . Hm. You couldn’t even remember when. How funny!

You carefully threw on your thin robe, spinning in a circle as you tried to push your arm through the other hole. Once covered you exited your bedroom and walked down the hall to the closed door that led to the roof. You could  _ definitely  _ make it up those stairs. So you padded over to the kitchen and grabbed the bottle of vodka you were working on earlier and went towards the door, stumbling over your feet only just a little.

This was one of the reasons you fell in love with this place. The access to the rooftop made your heart fill with something and your husband (should you call him that anymore?) could not talk you out of it. He said, and you quote this very accurately, “ _ Anything for you.” _

Haha! What a sack of shit. Just like Nat said.

You pushed the heavy metal door open and were met with the cool evening breeze. The chill sobered you up a bit for you to see the scene before you. As the heavy door shut behind you, you looked over the candles that were still burning and the food left out near your neighbor, Sharon’s, skylight entry. Hm, so that’s what all her groceries were for. Eh, whatever. You practically stumbled over to one of the patio sets and crawled on to an egg like daybed and settled in against the cushions. With your back against the cover you pulled out your phone from the pocket of your robe (thank you sober Y/N) and scrolled through your music.

You hummed and pushed play on one song and tossed the phone beside you, letting the piano melody and horns float through the air. You closed your eyes when the voice started to sing low to you. Just to you.

_ There’s no sunshine _

_ This impossible year _

_ Only black days, and sky grey _

_ And clouds full of fear, and storms full of sorrow _

_ That won’t disappear _

_ Just typhoons and monsoons this impossible year _

_ There’s no good times, this impossible year _

_ Just a beachfront of bad blood _

_ And a coast that’s unclear _

_ All the guests at the party, they’re so insincere _

_ They just intrude and extrude _

_ This impossible year _

_ There’s no you and me _

_ This impossible year _

_ Only heartache and heartbreak _

_ And gin made of tears _

_ The bitter pill I swallow _

_ The scars souvenir _

_ That tattoo, your last bruise _

_ This impossible year _

_ There’s never air to breathe, there’s never in-betweens _

_ These nightmares always hang on past the dream _

_ There’s no sunshine.. _

_ There’s no you and me.. _

_ There’s no good times.. _

_ This impossible year _

You took another hard hit of the bottle and shook your head at the end of the song. The tears that had fallen you were quick to wipe away when the song changed to something more upbeat, but you couldn’t pay attention to the lyrics. Not anymore. There was a sound behind you, it sounded like glass had broken and you blinked to re-evaluate where you were. It didn’t come from the street below, so you carefully crawled to peer around the dome covering your spot, and your eyes landed on a casually dressed man. Definitely not familiar. It looked like he had picked up something from whatever your neighbor had left out, and then he looked up and noticed you.

You met his eyes only for a second before you retreated back under the dome and nestled the bottle of vodka in your lap. You tried to focus on the music playing through your tiny speakers and ignore the approaching footsteps. But- oh god his form came into view. He walked past your place but glanced you over, and then looked over the edge to the street.

“You aren’t planning on jumping, are you?” He asked.

You scoffed, “Nope.”

He turned around and leaned back against the siding of the roof, motioning to the bottle in your hand. “Whatcha got there?”

“None of your business, that’s what,” you practically slurred and took another sip of the alcohol. You didn’t even grimace at the taste before motioning to him with the half full bottle. “Who’re you?”

He watched you in amusement, a smile gracing his face as he took a step off the wall. “I’m Steve. Who’re you?”

“Are you Sharon’s  _ boyfriend _ ?” You asked instead. He was noticeably defensive, throwing his hands up.

“No no no. Not like that.” He motioned for a spot near the edge. “Can I join you?”

“Okay,  _ Steve _ .” You shrugged. Steve took a seat on the edge of the cushions, relaxing his arms on his legs. He watched as you stared blankly at the next building, and took another swig from the bottle.

“Are you the neighbor Sharon was telling me about?” He asked nonchalantly. You couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped your lips.

“Oh that’s rich,” you mumbled and shrugged your shoulders. “Guess that’s me.”

“Did you move in recently?” He asked next and you blinked a couple times.

“Wha?”

“When she brought me up, I saw some empty moving boxes outside your door for grabs,” Steve explained and your gaze went back out to the sky. “Figured you must be new here. I just moved from-”

“I’m not new,” you blurted out, and Steve raised a brow at you. “No, no. I’ve been here two years? Maybe? I dunno.”

Steve slowly nodded and you took another sip from the bottle he could assume held vodka in it. “Well then whoever left those out-”

“My husband moved out today,” you mumbled. Steve’s mouth fell closed and watched as you smiled a bit to yourself and swished your bottle around. “Er, well he hasn’t lived here in a month. His stuff moved out today.”

Steve nodded a bit before motioning to the bottle in your hands. “Is that what this is all about?”

“Well,” you laughed a bit to yourself. “Maybe 90% him. 10% you guys keeping me up.”

Steve laughed this time. It was low and hearty, but it shook your position on the cushions. You blinked a bit as your vision struggled to level out. That’s when you saw him move closer and you straightened up a bit when his large hands grabbed the bottle and cap from your hands.

“Alright crazy let’s put the bottle down for a second,” he said, screwing the cap back on. You whimpered a bit reaching back for  _ your _ bottle and he turned his back to you to close the cap full and put the bottle somewhere out of your reach.

“Hey that’s mine,” you said and Steve turned back to you, grabbing your hands and putting them to your side.

“Yeah I know angel,” he said and you chuckled.

“Angel,” you laughed again. “What the fuck is that?”

“Well you never shared your name,” Steve said as he forced you to sit back against the cushions once more. “So what should I call you?”

You pondered his question. “Mmm . . . (Y/N).”

You offered your hand for him and Steve glanced between you and your hand. You wiggled your fingers a bit at him and he laughed again before taking your hand in his and shaking it, though you felt like your whole arm shook with it.

“You’re drunk (Y/N),” he said while shaking your hand. Once he finally released your hand you sighed, pulling your legs up to your chest.

“I know,” you said and then shrugged your shoulders at him. “I wanted to be.”

Steve nodded. “Y’know a buddy of mine is going through a divorce-”

“Did he want it?” You asked him shortly.

“Well yeah-” Steve started and your face fell.

“I didn’t.”

It was a short and simple statement. The silence that filled the air was awkward and heavy, but Steve rubbed his hands together and nodded his head like he was actually curious to hear you speak.

“Were there problems?”

“I didn’t think so.” You scooted up to the edge and rested your hand on the cushion to steady yourself. “We never fought. He acted like he was completely devoted to me! He was perfect. We were perfect.”

Steve shrugged his shoulders, “Was he being fulfilled-”

“Sex was not a problem,” you cut him off, and ignored the glance of his eyes over you. “We had sex everyday-”

“Everyday?” Steve exclaimed and you nodded your head furiously at him. 

“Oh yeah. More than once a day,” you confirmed.

“Fucking hell,” he mumbled, one of his hands on his knee and his close hand rested over yours. “What a fucking loser, then.”

“Sack of shit,” you corrected. “We call him a sack of shit.”

Steve threw his arms up in defense. “My bad. What a fucking sack of shit then.”

You both laughed a bit and when silence enveloped you again you took Steve’s appearance in. This stranger was fairly attractive, you couldn’t argue that. He was tall and built like a perfect man. Even his beard looked perfect. You were suddenly reminded of the sounds you heard from your neighbor’s room and his attractiveness went right out the window, as you shot up from your place and swayed a bit. Too fast, too furious. Steve was up and steadied you with his hands on your waist.

“Careful there, angel,” he warned as you regained your composure.

“(Y/N),” you reminded him. Steve smiled and removed his hands from your waist.

“I know,” he said with the same smile on his face. You studied him for a moment before you shook your head and patted his chest.

“Goodbye, Steve,” you said. You stepped around him and made your way back to the door to your apartment. Your hand went to tug on it when Steve spoke again, from the same spot.

“I’ll see you around, angel,” he said. You pulled your door open and looked at him, standing by the patio daybed with a wicked smile on his face. You squinted a bit and finally descended down your private stairs, letting the rooftop door close on Steve and your night.


	2. A Coast That's Unclear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahh wow! im glad people seem to be liking this :)

You swore to yourself that you would never ever drink that much again in your life. Not unless you were ready to face the consequences, which you were determined to admit would be  _ never _ \- thank you very much. You were hit with a headache and your whole body felt as if you were wearing some kind of weighted blanket, but all day. Were you awake or was this all a dream? No, the misery you felt in your head led you to believe this was still in fact your life. Fantastic!

You also did not want to think about how much of a fool you made of yourself to the man you had met. What was his name again? You rubbed at your eyes and remembered he called himself Steve, and definitely not Sharon’s boyfriend. Why did he get so defensive over that term? Why did he think you were going to jump over the edge like Rose on the Titanic? Did you really look that bad? And what the fuck did he mean by you were the neighbor Sharon had told him about? If you ever crossed paths with him again you would be sure to ask.

The knock on your front door made you groan, and physically forced you to push yourself from your bed. This morning you were in no mood to make it, maybe later, but you focused your attention on the rampant knocking on your door. That could only mean one person was behind it. As you finally unlocked the door and pulled it open, Natasha stood there looking as put together as usual, holding a bag of something, and looked you over in confusion.

“What did you do last night?” She asked and you waved her away before turning to move back towards the couch.

Natasha held the door open with her arm and after a few moments another walked through the entry before her. Wanda slapped a paper to Natasha’s chest and walked backwards in to say something to the red head.

“The next time you make me pay for parking, I won’t speak to you for a week,” she commented. You threw yourself on the couch with your legs below you and felt the other side bounce when Wanda sat by your side.

“Whatever you say, Maximoff,” Natasha said as she locked the door behind her. “Why don’t you ask the hungover one in there what she was up to last night while I grab her some water?”

Wanda then looked at you and stifled her laugh at your ragged appearance. “Jesus, what happened to you last night?”

“A lot of vodka,” you mumbled and blinked to focus on her. “And then my neighbor and her I don’t even know what were going at it for what sounded like hours.”

Natasha laughed from the kitchen, and you could hear her pouring you a cup of water. “I can promise you it wasn’t hours.”

“Sure felt like it,” you sighed. Natasha finally made her way to the couch and handed you the water which you gratefully took. “I ended up going to the roof and drank a little more, and then the guy came up-”

“You met the guy?” Natasha grinned, and nudged at you. “Told you it wasn’t hours.”

“Yeah yeah drunken me met the guy.” You took a sip of the water and shook your head. “It was weird, or I don’t know maybe I was weird. He came over to me and just started talking to me.”

“Was he cute?” Wanda asked, and you shrugged.

“I honestly can’t remember. All I can remember right now is he took my bottle, and something about. . . Angel?”

Natasha rummaged through the bag she held and offered up a glazed donut. You declined her offer but Wanda was quick to accept it for herself. Just the smell of it made you want to throw up, and you focused yourself on the water in your hands.

“Well at least he got you to stop drinking. We know first hand what a mess you can be,” Natasha joked, and you shook your head again.

“I’m glad I can count on my friends to get me through these hard times,” you mumbled, and Wanda repositioned herself so she leaned against your shoulder.

“Speaking of hard times. . . have you thought about Stark’s offer?”

You shook your head at the mention of your previous boss's name. When you had decided to leave your job nearly six months ago Tony Stark had told you he would keep your position open if you ever wanted to come back. You had thought about it of course, you missed work and you missed the co-workers you had grown so fond of, but you weren't sure if this was the time to call him up. The whole reason you had left was because of the stress it was putting on you, and your body. And at the time, it was the best move for not only you, but your family in general.

“No,” you answered. “How do I even approach that? “Hey Mr. Stark, my husband decided to leave me so can I come back to work?”

“Well, whatever you decide to say, better make it quick,” Natasha said as she shoved her phone towards you. “Because I called him.”

You gaped at her as she shoved the phone into your hands, and low and behold Tony’s name was on the contact. You glared at her when the line started to count the seconds, and you heard a hello come from the speaker. You quickly pressed the phone to your ear and glared at your two friends.

“Hello? Natasha?” Tony asked in your ear.

“Uh, no Mr. Stark, it’s not Natasha-”

“Is this who I think it is?” He cut you off and you leaned forward to place the glass of water down before you stood up.

“Maybe, probably. You’ve always been good with names,” you answered. God this was awkward.

“Even better at voices,” he joked back. “It’s been too long, (Y/N). How are you?”

“Uh, well. . . Y’know I don’t know how to answer that so I’m just going to say I’m fine and really hope you won’t try and dissect the answer,” you said honestly.

“Alright, I won’t ask you about the avoidance of an answer for now. Which only leaves me with one question.” You were pacing back and forth at this point. “What can I do for you?”

“I was wondering if your offer still stood,” you answered. “If I could come back to work for you.”

There was silence on the other end and you felt your heart drop. Oh no you just completely and totally embarrassed yourself. Of course you wouldn’t be able to come back! It’s been six months already, surely he found someone to fill your position. You felt your shoulders fall from the tense position they were in when his voice rang in your ear.

“I thought you’d never ask,” he said, and you could hear the classic Tony Stark grin on his face. “Does Monday sound good for you?”

“Sounds perfect,” you replied and he muttered a buh-bye and you hung up the phone. Wanda and Natasha watched but both had smiles on their faces.

“I go back Monday,” you said and Wanda squealed and jumped from her position to give you a hug. Her arms enveloped you as Natasha stood and ruffled your hair. That’s when you couldn’t fight the twist of your stomach, and you had to push both women off yourself and run to the bathroom, and throw up the remnants of alcohol you had ingested last night.

Steve Rogers threw himself onto the couch of his pal's penthouse, with a beer in one hand, and the other arm thrown over the back of the couch. As he took a sip from the bottle his eyes looked over the well decorated and rather large penthouse. Night had fallen over the city and the view he had to admit was spectacular from this high up. He could see Bucky’s appeal of the place. As if on cue, his friend came into the room from the kitchen with beer of his own and settled into a couch across from him.

“So,” Bucky started and motioned over to his friend. “How was that date of yours?”

“The usual,” Steve said with a shrug. “Dinner. Music. Sex.”

“Jesus man,” Bucky took a sip from his drink and shook his head. “You’ve been here what? A month? And you have girls lined up like that?”

“Well Buck what can I say.” He motioned over himself with a sarcastic smirk. “They love me.”

“Whatever, Mr. Playmate.” Bucky rolled his eyes, and Steve noted the rather large swig he took of his drink.

“So how’s the ex wife?” Steve asked and Bucky let out a sigh and shook his head.

“Brutal. We got a call today that she somehow has managed to get the best divorce attorney besides Sam,  _ Phil fucking Coulson _ .”

“I’ll be honest Buck, I don’t know who that is. But ouch,” Steve tried to sound sentimental to his friend but Bucky groaned and stood, reaching for the bottle in Steve’s hand.

“Alright, get the fuck out, you’re going to be late for your  _ date _ ,” Bucky spewed the word out and Steve took a couple more sips from the beer before his friend snatched it from his hand. Steve stood and smiled at Bucky, who motioned towards the door of the penthouse. Steve let himself out and walked down to the elevator, and pressed the button and waited for it to open up.

The night unfolded as per usual, or almost the same as last time. Sharon had cooked a rather fantastic meal, and they ate under the moon with the sound of music playing in the background. While Sharon spoke he found himself glancing over towards the patio furniture, but was drawn back when she would touch his arm and lean a little closer. She was so touch starved, and as the night progressed and he whispered against her ear, she melted in the palm of his hands.

The sex was good, but he found his mind wandering even when his face was pressed into her neck. It happened when his hand pressed against the wall to steady himself as she held him to her. They both sat upright as she rode him and he thrusted against her walls. His eyes lingered on the headboard that tapped the wall, but was brought back to her presence when she dragged her nails over his shoulder and into his hair.

And then it was over, just like the night before. She had fallen asleep while he cleaned himself up and threw his clothes back on. As he exited the bathroom his eyes went to the ladder that led to the roof, and then he looked to the door he was headed for. Without a second thought he found himself climbing up the ladder and back into the moonlight.

When he stepped out he looked over the scene before him like he had that night before, grabbing the bottle he was nursing from earlier. The lights Sharon had put still flickered and he looked over to the patio furniture, and found himself with a smile when he saw the outline of someone in the daybed once again. Steve took a steady pace back over there, and watched the lightly illuminated sway a bit and that’s when he realized you couldn’t hear his approach. Not until he was right there and-

You jumped, and pulled the earphones from your ear and the man to your side chuckled. “What the fuck-”

“I’m glad to see you aren’t as plastered tonight,” Steve said and you shook your head at him.

“You won’t ever see me like that again,” you said and he motioned like before to sit next to you, and you nodded. He took a place on the edge and smiled your way.

“So you remember me?” He asked and you scoffed.

“I was drunk, not incapacitated,” you replied and Steve shrugged.

“Could’ve fooled me, angel,” he said and you groaned.

“See I remember that, and I still don’t like it,” you told him. Steve smirked and glanced you up and down.

“Could’ve fooled me,” he said and you rolled your eyes.

“Y’know Steve, there’s a perfectly good exit back from where you came,” you said and crossed your legs under you. “I don’t mind if you use it.”

Steve laughed. It was another laugh that rocked you in your core, and then looked you over with a shake of his head. “Of all the things Sharon told me, she didn’t bother to mention how funny you were.”

“Okay hold on,” you said as he began to turn from you, and he couldn’t help the smirk that fell on his lips when you grabbed his arm. “You don’t just say something like that and  _ then _ consider leaving. All the things? What the fuck does that mean?”

Steve shrugged and clapped his hands together. “Oh y’know. She said that you are a high strung, judgemental, empty person.”

You sat there in shock and gaped at him a bit. Steve took a sip of his left over drink and then turned to you fully. “Don’t worry angel, I don’t think you’re an empty person.”

His wink is what knocked you from your daze and you shook your head at him. “I am not fucking high strung! Or judgemental!”

“Hey, whatever you gotta tell yourself so you can sleep at night,” Steve said and you hit his arm. He had managed to make you smile, though you shook your head at him.

Steve looked you over once more as you averted your gaze to the sky. You were so casual with him, but didn’t seem fazed by his presence next to you. It was like a breath of fresh air for him, and then you asked him something that made him refocus on you.

“You asked me if I had moved in recently,” you started and he let out a little mhm. “You never said where you moved from.”

“God, you really do remember,” he said and you looked at him and nodded, and he focused on your smile. “I just moved back from London. I was there for five years.”

“So where are you from from?” You asked, and Steve shrugged.

“Brooklyn,” he said nonchalantly. “Not too far from here.”

“No shit,” you replied and Steve found himself smiling again.

“No shit,” he confirmed. You chuckled a bit next to him and Steve watched as you leaned back against the covering. “So tell me something.”

“Hm?” You asked. Steve set his bottle of whatever down and then moved himself a little closer, which you didn’t seem to flinch at.

“The sack of shit,” he said and he noticed how your face fell. “What happened? He just woke up one day and decided “I’m going to give up this beautiful woman who has sex with me everyday?”

“First of all,  _ ew _ ,” you told him, and Steve just grinned at your apprehension to his compliment. “Second of all, it wasn’t about the sex!”

“Then come on, tell me,” he goaded you. “What was it then? Because no guy in their right mind would give up such a beautiful wife and a good sex life to be alone.”

“See that’s where your assumptions get you, Steve.” You pointed at him. “He’s not alone. I am.”

“He was having an affair?” He asked and you nodded. “What the fuck-”

“I’ve gone over it enough times in my mind that I don’t understand it either.” You rubbed your hands together. “I lied to you, kinda-”

“Ah, there it is,” Steve tried to joke but you only glared at him. He put his hands up in defense, but was glad you didn’t seem to take him too serious at the moment.

“We were having a hard time getting pregnant,” you explained and Steve watched as you corrected yourself. “Or, I was having a hard time getting pregnant. I didn’t think it was a problem, I mean it was, but I didn’t - I never thought it was something he would consider leaving me over.”

Steve could see the hurt in your eyes and the way you rubbed your hands together and avoided his look. The fact you must have gone over every pain stacking detail over and over in your mind made Steve feel something he hadn’t felt in years, besides last night. Empathy for another person. It was such an odd feeling to hold in his chest, but there it was as he watched you look out to the sky, like you’ve sat her with those thoughts in your mind so many times before. God, and you probably did.

“I’m sorry,” he said, and the sentiment shocked him. It seemed to shock you too as you looked over at him and Steve offered a smile. “Still, he’s a sack of shit angel.”

“That’s never going away, is it?” You asked. 

“Afraid not, angel,” Steve said and you rolled your eyes.

“You’re a true mystery, Steve.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Oh come on,” you laughed, and motioned behind yourself back from where he came. “What are you doing out here talking to me when you have a woman in bed who would probably kill for you to be back in there with her?”

“First of all,” Steve mimicked you from earlier and you scoffed a bit, but he smiled anyway. “She’s asleep, so your assumption is already moot. Second of all, I wouldn’t be out here if I didn’t want to be.”

“So what, you like coming out and talking to strangers at - ” You paused to look at the time on your phone. “Jesus, 2 AM?”

“I like coming out and talking to you,” he argued back. You glanced him over and Steve smiled, but he already knew your next movements. You let out a sigh and stood from your spot next to him. Steve mirrored your motions and stood as well, and you were basically dwarfed by his sheer size. In your sober state you could really take in just how attractive and suave he was being, but you couldn’t help but pay no attention to it. Even as he stood before you, his chest at your face level, and that shit eating grin on his face, you looked up to meet his eyes.

“Goodbye, Steve,” you repeated to him, though you didn’t touch him this time. You moved around him and Steve let you pass, but watched as you walked over to your door, and just when you went to put your hand on the handle he called out to you just like last time.

“I’ll see you around, angel.”


	3. There's No You and Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW; talks about a panic attack.
> 
> this chapter we see a lot more between the reader and steve. we also learn a lot of new important information, two people grieve in different ways. eek i hope you like it :3 also renata was the name of pierce's housekeeper, i thought it was fun to tie it all in together!! and don't worry... we will be seeing what's going on between the reader and her unnamed ex very soon :)

Normally news like this for someone like you would have made them ecstatic, and full of life. Given the amount of time and effort (and albeit money) that went in to try to even make something like this happen would have made you jump for joy. But the person you were two months ago and the person you were today were two almost different people. Well.. Okay, not  _ totally  _ different but different enough to think ‘ _ What the fuck. What the fuck. Is this real life?’ _

Indeed it was, as the doctor told you. Three times to be exact. And even leaving their office you couldn’t completely believe it, even though you knew it to be true. It was like two parts of yourself were arguing with one another on who was right, the doctor or the fear that filled your chest. But when you found yourself outside the new location of your soon-to-be-ex husbands apartment, you knew the rational side of yourself had won this battle.

Two things didn’t go as you expected that day. The doctor's revelations, and then the reaction you received from your ex. Just how you said earlier that you weren’t a totally changed person in the now two months you’ve been separated, you did what you had come to know of yourself. You isolated yourself from the world. You ignored the texts and calls from your friends, ignored the message you glanced at from your new divorce attorney, and laid down in your bed and stared at the ceiling. You had managed to doze off a couple of times, but they were empty rests. You woke up with burning eyes and an estranged look each time without fail.

So when the familiar giggles and other unthoughtful sounds started to seep through your shared wall, you were up and out of the room before you could hear any more. Even after coming to rest on the couch you could hear the taps of something hitting the wall on the other side and god damn it you didn’t want to hear it. You were pulling open the door that led to your little stairs and in a matter of seconds you were sitting in your usual spot, trying to feel as much cool air as you could.

Your chest felt like it was heavier, more fragile. Each breath you took worked to calm the tension that had built in not only your shoulders and back, but in your heart. The air came in deep, and exhaled just as much. Your eyes fixated on the edge of the building as tears began to build behind your gaze. You hadn’t even heard the now familiar footsteps that came from behind you.

You and Steve only interacted on those two occasions, and it was dumbfounding why he still chose to come out here after his excursions with your neighbor. There was no rooftop dinner this time, or at least there was no remnants of it on your journey up here, so what was the excuse this time for his intrusion on your pity party?

When Steve came around the edge of the seat you always occupied, and that he would join you on, he didn’t even notice your disheveled appearance. He had walked past and to the edge, peering at something down below that you (obviously) couldn’t see.

“Every time I find you out here, I worry you’re really thinking about jumping ya know,” Steve joked. Or tried to joke, you didn’t think it was all that funny right now. “Gotta check and make sure-”

His sentence was cut off short when he turned back to face you and inevitably saw the look on your face, and your deadset eyes. With the sudden silence you pulled your gaze from the cement and met his, and saw his smile fall. Steve saw the wetness that hung on your lower lashes, and gulped down the knot that had formed at the back of his throat. You averted your attention back to something other than him, and Steve took a step closer to you.

“You’re kinda worrying me, angel,” he said. His steps brought him closer until he was easing himself next to you, on the edge respectfully as he always did, and your eyes fluttered to glance at him for only a moment. “Is everything okay?”

You opened your mouth to reply, but nothing came out. You closed your mouth and instead offered a simple shrug of your shoulders. Steve glanced over you and the pajamas that covered you from the brisk chilly air, and sighed a bit.

“Do I need to beat someone up?” He asked, and rested his arms on his legs to lean forward towards you. “Ya know I’ve never liked bullies. Did someone.. Do something to you? Have they hurt you?”

“Jesus, no. No one-” you finally spoke and trailed off. A hint of relaxation fell over Steve’s eyes at the sound of your voice. You let out a deep sigh and looked to the ground. Steve lowered his head a bit so he could see the side of your face.

“Gotta tell me what’s wrong,” he whispered. “Or else I won’t know how to help you-”

“I’m pregnant,” you blurted in a whisper. Steve’s mouth went from a shocked expression to a closed, grim look. You looked over at him to see his stare and shrugged your shoulders. “Don’t see how you can help with that. Or would even want to.”

Steve was used to these kinds of comments. In fact, they were always true when spoken from the women who said them to him. But he couldn’t help but feel a pang of hurt when you said something that, in hindsight, was true. If Steve had happened upon someone in this state, and if they were unlikely to fall under his charm or even reveal something like this, he would be gone in an instant.

You weren’t just someone though.

Steve looked up to meet your gaze and he gave you a smile. “I’ll tell you what, angel,” he shifted so he could face you better and you straightened your position at his moves, a bit intrigued. “Let’s make this a permanent thing. Anytime I’m around, we can still sit up here, and talk. And I’ll be here every time you need me. Every time.”

You glanced over him and narrowed your eyes a bit after taking in his thoughtful composure. “Why..?”

“Because despite your glowing opinion of me,” Steve joked and it finally got you to roll your eyes and crack a smile. He couldn’t help but grin at the action. “I do care. Can’t have a pretty girl like you all sad and mopey like you were.”

“How will you know when I need you?” You asked, and fiddled with your fingers in your lap. Steve reached over and grabbed ahold of your fidgeting digits, and gave your hands a slight squeeze.

“I’ll just know,” he said and smiled. You looked him over once more before giving him a small smile back, and Steve nodded as he released his grip on you. “Besides, I’ll be able to hear you crying through the wall if I don’t become your personal therapist.”

You scoffed and hit his arm with the back of your hand. Steve chuckled at your playful movement and a comfortable silence fell over you two. He could tell just by your composure you were a little more at ease, but he knew something was still on your mind. So he did something he hasn’t done before. Steve moved so he too could rest against the back cushion, and he was side by side with you now. He laced his fingers together in his lap and then looked over at you, and bumped your shoulder with his gently.

“Come on, tell me what’s on your mind,” he offered. “I thought this was what you wanted? Granted it doesn’t fix the affair.. But it finally happened. Isn’t that good?”

“Under different circumstances? It would be perfect,” you chuckled a bit at yourself and shook your head. “But he cheated.. He left.. And he doesn’t want anything to do with it.  _ ‘There’s no you and me’ _ , he said.”

Steve shook his head to himself and rolled his eyes. This guy sounded like a complete asshole. Steve couldn’t bring himself to understand how any man would do this to someone like you. “The more I hear about this guy, the more of an idiot he sounds like.. Do you want me to go teach him some manners?”

“Oh what, because you don’t like bullies?” You have let out a chuckle between the words and bobbed your head a bit at him in a mocking tone, and Steve grinned a bit.

“Damn right I don’t like bullies,” he mimicked you and bobbed his head in your direction and you genuinely laughed at him. Your laughter echoed over the street and between the buildings and Steve found himself staring. When you finally quieted down to giggles and met his gaze again, he snapped out of it.

“But really.. He was just as involved in the process,” Steve said and motioned his hand over you. “I say you take him for a ride, get everything from him.”

“I don’t want everything,” you said a bit quieter. “You know what I want the most?”

A question Steve has heard a great number of times from women, and he always knew the answer. But he found himself leaning in a little closer to hear yours. “What do you want the most?”

“To feel like me again,” you said with a slight shrug and looked up to meet his look. 

Steve blinked a couple times as your words sunk in for him. It became a bit more clear in that moment for him that he hung onto your every word like it was the last thing he would ever hear in his life. It wasn’t long after those words were said did you excuse yourself to go back to the confines of your apartment. Steve could tell even when you gave him one final look before disappearing behind your door that you were still upset. But there wasn’t much more he could do, once you were in your apartment, that was it. He had to go.

He never stayed over at Sharon’s. He always left a note and gave some kind of excuse about needing to be ready for work and he didn’t want to wake her, but it was honestly bullshit. He could admit that, and he thinks a small part of Sharon knew that too. Steve would slip out and give a small tug on the door to make sure it had indeed locked behind him, and then make his way to the stairs and bounce down them as normal. That night he paused outside your door and smiled to himself before continuing on his way.

Steve didn’t know why he had become entranced with the woman he was sleeping with’s neighbor. But as a week passed, he sat in the same spot he had once before on Bucky’s couch, holding a beer, and zoned out of whatever his friend was trying to talk to him about. Bucky ran a hand through his hair and his gaze fell upon his best friend, who stared thoughtfully out the window. He stopped in the middle of his sentence and rolled his eyes, leaning back against the couch and tossing an arm over the back.

“Steve?” Bucky asked.

“Yeah, Buck,” Steve said absent-mindedly.

“Do you agree that I should throw this bottle at you?”

“Yeah, of course, whatever you say,” Steve replied. Bucky scoffed and grabbed one of the pillows near him and chucked it at his friend, hitting him smack in the face. Steve blinked at the pillow that hit his face then bounced to the floor, and looked at his friend who was all but glaring. “What?”

“Dude, what’s going on with you lately?” Bucky asked. Steve shrugged his shoulders and took a sip of his drink.

“No come on, seriously. Are you seeing someone new? You have this look that I haven’t seen since-”

“Don’t go there, Buck,” Steve warned. Bucky raised his free hand in compliance and Steve sighed a bit. He glanced at his watch and Bucky rolled his eyes a bit.

“You seem eager to go see what’s her name,” Bucky commented in an attempt to change the subject.

“Sharon,” Steve corrected him and Bucky shrugged. There was a rattle at the door and in a couple quick seconds it opened to reveal Bucky’s new “partner” (as he called it), Connie. She looked over at the duo on the couch, and Steve noted the irritance in her eyes. With Bucky not getting up to greet her like normal, he was unsure if that look was directed towards him, or his friend. Connie audibly tossed her keys and bag onto the table near the door and with a huff, ascended the stairs and a few moments later, a door slammed.

“Fuck Bucky, what did you do?” Steve asked and Buck rolled his eyes and motioned towards the stairs.

“She’s been losing it ever since my ex showed up here,” Bucky explained and scoffed. “She’s pissy I didn’t toss her out as soon as we got home from lunch. God damn Renata let her in and she was sitting there just waiting,” Bucky motioned to where Steve now sat.

“Well why didn’t you toss her out?” Steve asked and a frown formed over Bucky’s face.

“Because I know her. And if she dared to come here, then something was going on,” Bucky casted his eyes down to the ground and took another sip from his drink. Steve raised his brow and scooted forward a bit to look at his friend.

“Buck, what’s going on?” Steve asked and Bucky sighed, but Steve noticed a hesitation as he recouped himself, that same carefree look on his face.

“Nothing we need to worry about, Steve. She won’t be coming around anymore,” Bucky said. Steve scoffed.

“For your sake, I hope not,” Steve said and finished the last bit of his drink.

That night things didn’t go.. Well. Steve didn’t perform his best, and he did not want to get into the details of it. He was distracted and even with all the very  _ very  _ nice work Sharon put in, his mind kept drifting to someone else. When Sharon cuddled into him Steve panicked, profusely sweating until she lulled herself to sleep and he carefully removed himself from her grasp. He needed air, fast. Steve threw his clothes back on, and it felt even more constricting. The long sleeved button up shirt, the trousers, he felt hot and uncomfortable. 

Steve climbed those steps, pushed open the top, and gasped for air. His eyes looked around and he saw movement from the chair, and your head popped out from the side. Once you looked him over Steve stood there dumbfounded as you stood, and walked over to him with a concerned look on your face.

“Steve?” You questioned and he shook his head. You carefully grabbed one of his arms and placed a hand against his bearded face to adjust his view to you. “What is it? What’s wrong?”

Steve’s chest heaved and fell as he tried to catch his breath and you looked to the door that led to your apartment. When your gaze went back to him and saw him pull at his collar and you took a little step towards your door. “Do you trust me?”

Steve looked you over, and before he knew it he was nodding his head. You kept your hand on him, now holding onto his hand as you gently pulled him towards the door you always disappeared behind. Steve blinked as his vision began to grow hazy, and he stumbled a bit when his feet landed wrong on one of the steps. You were quick though, so observant of him and nestled yourself into his side. When Steve was finally able to continue, you helped him down step by step as he braced himself against the wall. He was heavy, he knew he was, so he had to help you help him.

Once past the stairs and a door you veered him into a dark room, but it was soon brightened when you flipped a switch. Steve squinted a bit as he adjusted to the new lighting, and you were easing him down onto a soft surface. A bed. He could tell it was a bed. But then you disappeared from his side and he panicked a bit again.

You weren’t gone long. Before Steve knew it you were kneeling in front of him, and pressing soft clothes into his hands. Steve looked down at his lap and saw what you were handing him. A change of clothes, he can do that. Steve pulled the tucked in shirt from his pants and his hands went to the buttons that lined it and tried to undo them. His hands shook and he huffed at the inability to get them undone, he was stuck. He was stuck in this goddamn hot and uncomfortable clothes.

Your hands brushed over his and Steve stopped to watch. You met his eyes and gave a sweet smile, and undid a couple of the buttons before you paused. “Is this okay?”

Steve nodded. God, yes, just get it off, he wanted to beg you. You nodded and slowly undid the rest. You didn’t want to startle him, and Steve just watched as you undid every single button until the shirt hung open. Steve moved to peel the shirt back and down his arms and set the shirt by his side. When he looked back to your face you were holding the new shirt once more, and passed Steve the soft cotton fabric. Once he took it you stood from your place and let him have some room to slide it over his body.

In this state, Steve was grateful that you weren’t ogling him. When he got the shirt over his chest he looked over the blue fabric and up to your eyes. You looked at him with something he hadn’t seen in the longest time. You were worried about him. Steve looked down at his still trembling hands and you sat carefully next to him. Steve glanced at you on his side and you reached over and put your hand over his. He sucked in a sharp breath and the trembling stopped at the touch.

You let Steve stay like this until his breathing evened itself out. He went from letting you hold his hand to running his thumb over your skin. It gave him something to focus on to calm himself down, and you had eventually placed another hand on his arm. Steve took a deep even breath and then looked over at you, who was watching him pensively. You offered him a smile and rubbed his arm a bit.

“Would you like some water?” You asked him. Steve nodded, unable to bring himself to verbally answer due to the dryness of his throat. You whispered a little okay and stood from your spot by his side and walked to the hallway, but paused when you reached the door frame before looking at him once more. “If you want to change into those sweats, you’re more than welcome to.”

Steve nodded and you gave him another smile before disappearing fully. After a few moments another light came on elsewhere, and Steve looked at the sweats you had rested on the edge of the bed for him. Steve stood, and changed from the dress pants to the sweats, all while listening to you click around in the kitchen. Once Steve was fully changed, he slowly walked out of the room and into the open area.

Steve took the chance to take in these foreign surroundings. As he walked along the wall into the living room he looked over the rather barren walls. He could tell things had hung there previously given the little nails in the plaster, and the ones that remained showcased you, and what he assumed were friends and family. If there was any trace of a man, it was completely wiped out of your photos. That’s probably why these looked older, he frowned at the idea. When he completely circled the room he turned back to the kitchen and found you watching him. You were filling up a couple glasses with water from a pitcher and smiled at him. Steve cleared his throat and motioned around.

“Gotta say these pictures don’t do you justice,” Steve said and you chuckled a bit. You walked around the kitchen and came over to him and handed one his way. “Thank you.”

“You’re very welcome,” you said and went to sit on the couch. Steve watched as you nestled yourself against a corner and sat on one of your legs. Steve carefully moved to sit next to you and you sipped away at the water and watched him. Steve drank the cold water and let out a satisfied sigh.

“Steve?” You asked. He looked over at you and you smiled timidly. “Is everything okay?”

Steve chuckled a bit. He leaned forward to put his cup down on a coaster and then leaned back with his arm draping over the back of the couch. “A friend of mine just.. Reminded me of something I try often to forget.”

You seemed to think over his words and Steve watched as you mimicked his movements and set your glass down and moved to look at him. “You remember how you told me a week or so ago, that you would be there for me when I needed you?”

Steve laughed and nodded. “I do. Why-”

“Well right now, you need me,” you cut him off. You rested your hands in your lap and nodded. “So.. I’m here.”

Steve’s smile fell and he cast his gaze down to his own hands in his lap. His hesitation created a silence that hung in the room heavily, and to yourself you frowned as you watched him fiddle with his own fingers.

“When I moved to London, I met the most amazing person,” Steve started to explain. You looked up at the side of his face to watch him talk. “She was brilliant, strong, and didn’t need anyone to tell her who she was or what to do. And she was the first person who looked at me like.. Like I meant something. Like I wasn’t just some number, or some thing. I was Steve Rogers.

“We were together for almost five years. And then.. Peggy, that was her name, she got sick. She couldn’t breathe right, couldn’t keep food or water down, and it just.. It ate her away. Made her too weak. And then one day she just couldn’t fight it anymore.”

Steve hadn’t looked at you the whole time he spoke. He couldn’t tell when you had gotten close enough to hold his hand in yours but he was glad you did. He looked over at you and you were staring at him with sad eyes. You understood him now, you saw Steve Rogers. You were getting a glimpse into the man behind the antics and charade. And he hadn’t shown anyone that side of him since Peggy passed.

“I’m sorry, Steve,” you whispered to him and Steve shook his head.

“It’s okay, angel,” he said and you rubbed your thumb over his hand. “Sometimes we lose the people we love the most. It’s what we do with ourselves after that matters the most.. So I wrote about her, about us.”

“That sounds.. Beautiful, Steve,” you told him and Steve shrugged.

“I never finished it, if I’m being honest with you,” Steve said and offered a small smile.

“Why not?” You asked.

“Because..” Steve trailed off, and shook his head a bit. You nodded in understanding and stifled back a yawn.

“Shit, I’m sorry,” Steve said when he noticed your small yawn. He was quick to pull his hand from yours and rubbed his legs. “You should be in bed-”

“Steve,” you warned and he raised a brow. “Don’t do that.”

“Do what?” He asked and you rolled your eyes.

“Deflect. You’re deflecting.” You said to him and Steve looked you over.

“I’m being thoughtful,” Steve countered and you hit his arm.

“You’re being hard headed,” you said and Steve shrugged. “But thank you.. For sharing that with me.”

“Only you, angel,” Steve smiled and you rolled your eyes again.

“Steve if you leave.. Are you going to be alright?” You asked him. Steve’s playful looks fell and you once again saw that vulnerability again.

“I don’t know,” Steve answered honestly. You nodded a bit and stood, offering your hand to him.

“Then come on,” you said. Steve looked from your hand to your face and raised a brow.

“Where.. Are we going?” He asked and you laughed a bit.

“To bed. You need to get some sleep.”

Steve’s grin came back and he carefully grabbed your hand. “You’re taking me to bed?”

Steve had stood up as he spoke and you narrowed your eyes at him, though he knew you were only joking. “Keep it up Rogers.”

“Alright, alright,” Steve chuckled as you led him back to your bedroom and flicked the lights off along the way. You released him hand and moved to one side of the bed and he took the other. You were quick to get under the covers and watched Steve as he got into the other side of the bed and he settled in next to you with a content sigh. When Steve was settled into the soft sheets he glanced your way and noticed your look.

“What?” he asked this time. You shook your head and looked up at the ceiling.

“No one has slept there in almost three months now.” You admitted. Steve looked at you again and shook his head.

“He’s an idiot,” Steve commented and you shrugged a bit, readjusting yourself and resting a hand over your stomach.

“Sometimes we lose the people we love the most. It’s what we do with ourselves after that matters the most,” you repeated to him. Steve looked you over in the darkness. He looked you over from the hand that rested just up above your head, down the outline of your face, over the even breathing in your chest, and stopped at the hand that rested over your stomach. Though he couldn’t see it, he knew what you were referring to.

Steve let sleep come over him. For the first time in months, he fell asleep soundly and didn’t stir one bit throughout the night. Steve felt at peace after finally sharing that part of him with someone, and his stirless night showed that.


	4. The Bitter Pill I Swallow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jwnbrgojb;enrj the reveal you’ve all been waiting for ljneragvjn;.. on a serious note, this is a warning for those who are going to proceed with reading. there is a topic in here that may be triggering for some, i.e. complications faced during pregnancy. there’s not too much detail but please don’t read if that will harm you okay?? all respect here, all love, and inbox is always open.

Getting back into the swing of things was harder than you had expected. Tony welcomed you back to your job with open arms just as he promised, and your office was left untouched from the last time you had been in it, but everything was different when you returned. It took you up until this very moment to feel as if you had a good enough grasp on things to relax into the day to day life at Stark Publishing. Thankfully, you had Wanda and Natasha to get you through the last two months.

When you told them your “big news”, they were ecstatic. You had never seen Nat on the brink of tears like that a day in your life, and it was in all honesty the most wonderful thing you had ever seen. Wanda on the other hand thought it was  _ excellent _ blackmail material. She insisted on free coffee everyday or else she’d tell Clint all about her sobs, and so far, two months later, Wanda happily sips away at her coffee everyday.

Another consistent support you had over the last two months was… Steve. Steve had started to spend more and more time with your neighbor, Sharon, and it was now a nightly ritual for you both to occupy the rooftop together. As things were about to begin with your divorce hearings, having these people in your life was very nice. Even Steve with his sometimes not funny jokes, and surprisingly calm demeanour. If you had to admit it, you did look forward to your nightly talks with him. He was turning out to be a nice unexpected friend.

After his stay at your place, Steve had grown more comfortable with you (if that was even possible). You watched over the next two months as he relaxed into this routine, and relaxed into himself. The tight suits and perfect hair grew to casual clothing and a bit longer locks both on his head and face, and honestly? It was a look. And you let him know that.

“I like this look on you,” you told him casually. You rested beside him, the top of the patio day bed pushed back to expose the sky. Though there were no stars in the city, you still liked to imagine it. One hand rested on your stomach while the other stroked the cushion beneath you, and Steve rested in a similar position, arm under his head and he glanced your way.

“What look?” He asked with a raised brow. You glanced his way and smiled.

“Only way I can describe it is.. Lumberjack.”

“Lumberjack,” Steve repeated and laughed. You chuckled beside him and looked back up at the sky. “It’s my secret y’know. The beard just works wonders.”

“Yeah whatever,” you joked with him. Steve smiled up at the sky before you suddenly grabbed his hand.

“What is it?” Steve questioned while he sat up. You didn’t answer him right away and he grabbed your hand with his other one. “Angel, what’s going-”

“Steve shut up,” you told him. Steve watched as you pulled your hand cupped with both of his and placed them over your slightly grown belly. Your hands went over his and guided them to a spot and he glanced your way. “Just  _ wait _ .”

Steve nodded a bit and you kept your hands over his. His fingers fanned open over your belly and then he suddenly felt it. A kick, a flutter. It impacted his palm and you let out a quiet gasp. Steve felt something harden at the back of his throat, but he kept his hand over the spot until the flutter happened again.

“Holy shit,” he mumbled. You chuckled and nodded your head in agreement. You were happily shocked, your last few visits the doctor had been worried about the development of the baby, but you were glad you held onto that hope. Steve watched while you had the sweetest smile on your face as you squeezed onto his hand. “Was that the first time?”

“Yes,” you breathed. Steve grinned a bit and looked back down to your belly. When no other movements occured Steve carefully flipped his hand over so his fingers laced together with yours, and he watched as you met his gaze. 

“I’m glad I could be here with you,” he admitted. You smiled over at him and he could see the hint of tears in your eyes. “Gives me bragging right over your other friends.”

You laughed, and took your hand from his to push yourself up. Steve stood and offered you his hand, and you took it willingly. Steve pulled you up and his hand lingered together with yours, looking over your body and taking the sight of you in. You noticed, and you let him do this, but you chalked it up to your current state. Steve himself had said he’d never been around a pregnant woman before. Steve squeezed on your hand and offered a sad smile. “Is this goodnight?”

“Afraid so, Rogers,” you told him. Steve nodded and you couldn’t help but lift your hand up to his face and rubbed your hand over his beard. Steve felt his breath hitch in his chest at the sudden contact, but just watched your eyes trail over his face. “I can see the appeal.”

“Is that so?” He asked, and he could have sworn it came out in a whisper. You showed no hesitation or concern over his tone of voice, instead you dragged your hand back down his face before removing it completely and offered him a smile. 

“Maybe,” you replied. Steve shook his head and gave your hand a final squeeze before you backed away from him. “Will I see you tomorrow?”

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” Steve said. You smiled and turned back to your own apartment, and Steve watched you pull it open, glance his way, and offer a final wave. Then, like every night for the last four months, you disappeared. Steve stood there and ran a hand through his hair, before he made his way back to the skylight that led to Sharon’s apartment, and he too disappeared down the steps.

Steve started staying over at Sharon’s shortly after the night he shared with you. Though it was hard at first to resist the itch that overcame him as he laid beside her, he grew more and more accustomed to it. Then, Mondays through Fridays, he would hear your alarm go off at 6 AM sharp, and it would pull him from his slumber. He would listen as you padded around the one bedroom apartment before leaving shortly after seven. Then, he would get up and if Sharon was still asleep, he would leave too. This was nearly everyday now, and Steve was beginning to wonder how much longer he could do this until Sharon began to get a more serious idea.

So he laid here in the dark, one arm tucked under his head and the other resting over his chest. Sharon slept peacefully next to him and Steve went over the endless train of thoughts that came over him every night. It was something Bucky had said to him a few weeks ago, and Steve began to drift off into that memory.

_ Steve watched humorously as Bucky essentially was getting his ass chewed out by his divorce attorney, Sam Wilson. He stifled back his laughs as he sipped away on a beer and watched from a barstool in the kitchen. Bucky sat as his lawyer walked around the large dining table in the room and stared down at the documents before him. Sam was going over some details, trying to drill something into Steve’s stubborn friends head. Steve looked back at his laptop, and read over the words he had just typed. _

_ Steve hadn’t touched this in months. The story of Peggy Carter. He had only gotten a few lines in before he found himself stuck staring at the screen, before hearing the sound of an altercation in the dining area. Steve looked over to see Sam hitting Bucky over the head with a newspaper. _

_ “I told you to focus, Barnes,” Sam said. Each hit Bucky tried to reach for the rolled up newspaper and missed each grasp he tried at. “Coulson and your ex wife are about to take you on a fucking ride, and you need to be prepared.” _

_ “You’re telling me there’s nothing you can do to ease this up?” Bucky asked. Steve had never seen him under such distress, but this divorce was starting to take its toll on him. It was such a drastic change from being around you, you seemed oddly calm now about it. He hoped your experience was going better than his friends. _

_ “Lets see Barnes. You had an affair, which already makes you an asshole in the eyes of the courts, and now with a kid on the way we’re looking at custody hearings-” _

_ “I said I-I didn’t want anything to do with the kid,” Bucky interjected and Sam grumbled and smacked him upside the head again. Steve had to hold back his laughter. _

_ “You’re a fucking clown, Barnes. You’ve managed to do everything wrong.” _

_ Bucky glared at his attorney and slapped his files shut. “This obviously isn’t going to change overnight. Please get the fuck out.” _

_ “Gladly,” Sam said. Steve watched him pack his things up and Bucky walked him to the door. Once it clicked shut Bucky hovered near it, and slammed his hand against the door. Steve took a sip of his drink as Bucky walked over to the other side of the bar, and settled onto a barstool opposite his friend. When Bucky didn’t offer any words, Steve spoke first. _

_ “Your ex is pregnant?” Steve asked. Bucky rubbed a hand over his face and sighed. _

_ “That’s.. What she came to talk to me about,” Bucky admitted. Steve nodded a bit and closed his laptop. “Connie doesn’t want me involved.” _

_ “Do you want to be involved?” Steve asked. He watched a small smile break over his friend's face. _

_ “Of course I do, Steve. My kid after all,” Bucky said. Steve looked over his friend and shook his head. _

_ “What exactly happened? Between you two?” _

_ Bucky’s smile fell quickly when he asked that. His eyes moved over the countertop as he processed Steve’s question, and it took him a while to reply. “On the outside looking in, things were perfect. The perfect life. Perfect apartment, perfect wife, sex life was perfect.. But there was.. There was always something missing. _

_ “It was all too perfect. Everyday it was just her and me. Me and her. We got up, ate together, got ready for work together, left for work, then came home and it was the same thing. Everyday. I was her whole world and it.. It fucking bugged me, Steve.” _

_ “I hate to break it to you, Buck, but that’s marriage. You spend your lives together,” Steve said. Bucky shook his head almost immediately. _

_ “Not like that. She needed me.. All the time. It was suffocating. It was always Mr. and Mrs. James Barnes. I wasn’t me anymore. She wasn’t herself. She wasn’t the woman I fell in love with,” Bucky said. Steve frowned as his friend spoke. _

_ “I wish I could’ve been there,” Steve said. “Maybe I could’ve warned you before marrying the girl.” _

_ Bucky laughed and shook his head. “You were busy in London, I understood,” he smiled across at his friend. “She needed you more than I did.” _

_ Steve didn’t reply right away and Bucky sighed a bit. He watched as Steve rubbed over his laptop and he leaned up against the counter. “Steve, be honest with me.. Are you.. Seeing someone new?” _

_ “What? What do you mean?” Steve asked quickly. Bucky fought back a grin and nodded over at him. _

_ “Look at you, man. You’re so.. Carefree. You. I haven’t seen you like this since before your parents passed. So what is it?” _

_ Steve thought over Bucky’s words. He shifted uncomfortably in his chair and sighed a bit. “I don’t know, Buck.. I met this.. Incredible person. She’s perfect. I was drawn to her the moment I met her,” he said. Bucky smiled a bit at his friend. _

_ “So.. What’s the problem?” _

_ “That’s just not my life anymore,” Steve said. “I can’t be the person she needs me to be. But I can’t stop thinking about her.” _

_ Steve laughed at his own confession. Bucky looked over his friend and offered a smile. “You’re a good guy, Steve. And I’m sure she’d be happy with who you are. Not some idea you think she needs.” _

Steve heard crying. He was 100% positive he heard crying. It wasn’t sad crying, it was terrified crying. He shot up from the bed he laid in and Sharon stirred beside him. He could make out his name from her lips but he was more so focused on the cries. And they came from the opposite side of the wall. Steve sprung out of bed and grabbed his things quickly, slid his shoes on, had his phone and keys in his hand, and couldn’t even begin to process the increased crying. Sharon called for him in her daze, but he was out the door without a second thought. Steve hurried over to the next door and paused.

The crying was coming from you and Steve’s heart beat rapidly in his chest. He didn’t even think twice before shoving his shoulder into the door, and it opened in a swift motion. He could barely see through the darkness, but he knew the way to your room easily from that one visit. When he pushed open your bedroom door the crying halted, replaced by heavy breaths and he could make your outline out on the bed.

“S-Steve?” you small voice called out. You were terrified, and Steve rushed to your side.

“I’m here,” he reassured you. He reached out for you and you winced, and he looked you over frantically. “What’s wrong? What do you need?”

“The baby,” you managed. He could see the tears running down your face. “S-Something is wrong. The baby-”

“I got you, doll,” he said. Steve wrapped your arm around his shoulder and he slid his arms under you and carefully picked you up. When you were up in his arms, Steve saw the dark marking that covered your sheets, and a knot formed in his stomach. 

Steve hadn’t been inside a hospital for the longest time. Not since his mother passed. When he had finally gotten you here, and they wheeled you away on a gurney, Steve couldn’t stop pacing the hallway. There was no surgery from what they had told him, but beyond that since he wasn’t family he had no other information. The hallway was relatively empty, besides the occasional nurse or doctor, and Steve finally sat himself into a chair. His leg bounced in anticipation, and he rubbed his hands together as his mind raced. He hoped for the best. You had grown so excited to finally have a child, and he didn’t know how you’d take it if.. If that was taken away.

“I’m looking for my wife,” a voice said down the hallway. Steve continued to rub his hands together and closed his eyes to focus on his thoughts. “Her name is (Y/N)? Barnes?”

Steve froze. The nurse at the station motioned down the hallways behind Bucky and he nodded his thanks, turning around to head down that way when his eyes landed on his friend. Bucky took a couple steps down the hall before stopping ahead of his friend, and shuffled to a stop. “Steve?”

Steve didn’t reply. He rubbed his hands together and slowly started to shake his head. How couldn’t he have put the pieces together?.. You married his best friend. You were  _ divorcing _ his best friend. You were pregnant with his child. Bucky’s child. Bucky’s wife. Soon-to-be-ex.. And Bucky said all those terrible things about you.. And Steve saw how each thing his friend did hurt you. So Steve closed his eyes as Bucky spoke again.

“What are you doing here, Steve?” He asked. Bucky looked over his friend in confusion. Steve stood suddenly and met his gaze, and Bucky raised his brow at his fuming expression. “What-”

“(Y/N),” Steve stated. The use of your name made Bucky freeze, and Steve scoffed. “You’re telling me that the ‘cold-hearted, empty, soul-sucking’ ex wife, that you’ve been bitching to me about.. Is (Y/N)?”

“What the fuck do you know about her?” Bucky asked. Steve rolled his eyes.

“More than you do, Buck,” Steve stated. “Because the woman I know is nothing like that.”

“You-” Bucky trailed off when it clicked in his mind. His expression fell to a scowl, and he shifted his weight from one foot to another. “That’s who you were telling me about.. The perfect woman.. My fucking  _ wife _ ?”

Steve took a step closer, closing the space between his friend and him, narrowing his eyes with his. Bucky didn’t falter his glare, and the two men stared at one another in confusion. Anger, and something else neither of them could place in that moment. Steve finally spoke lowly. “She’s not your wife anymore. You didn’t want to be a part of this... So I suggest you leave.”

Bucky looked over him and finally shook his head before he took a step back. “I was wrong. She’ll never be happy with who you are.”

Bucky’s words cut deeply, but Steve didn’t falter. Bucky finally moved first by taking a couple steps back, eyes never leaving his friend, before he shoved his hands into his pockets and turned away and went back the way he came. Steve let out a pent up sigh and unclenched his fists, his body hot in anger. He sat back down and rubbed at his face, reeling at everything running through his mind now.

He was stupid. How could he have not put the pieces together? The timelines worked perfectly well with one another. The courting, the engagement, the fucking wedding. If he had gone to that goddamn wedding he would’ve met you, he would’ve known from the beginning. Steve let out another sigh at the thought, at the realization he had.

He was in love with his best friend's wife.

Steve knew it. Deep down he had the inkling for a while now, maybe when you took his breath away that first night. Maybe it solidified when you helped him through his panic attack, the way you looked at him with such concern and treated him like a goddamn person, not just something to bag in bed. Whenever it happened, it happened. And he wouldn’t be anywhere else at this moment.

Footsteps echoed down the hallway and Steve looked up from the ground he could’ve stared a hole in. A doctor headed straight for him, and he stood quickly, and ruffled his hair a bit when they came near. The doctor put their hands into the pockets of their jacket and looked him over a bit.

“Mr. Barnes?” She asked him. Steve opened his mouth a bit to answer but nothing came out. He knew if he said no, there was no way he was getting into that room with you, or getting any information. So Steve nodded his head. “She’s waking up.. I think she’d like to see you.”

Steve nodded again when no words came out. The doctor offered a smile and motioned for Steve to follow. The pit in his stomach, the anger in his body, it all faded away when the doctor pushed the door to the hospital room open, and his eyes laid on you. “Mrs. Barnes, your husband is here to see you.”

He could see the shock that appeared on your face, but when you looked over to see Steve walk in it turned into confusion. You watched him come near and Steve pulled the chair in the corner of the room over right beside the bed, and he sat in it. He didn’t even hesitate to grab a hold of your hand, and you just watched him. Steve hoped this was ok, his being here, him holding your hand. His worry faded away when you squeezed his hand tightly, and he placed another one over your hand to rub against your skin.

The doctor came a bit closer to the bed, and it pulled your attention away from Steve to her. From the solemn expression on the doctor’s face, Steve knew what news was coming. All he could do was be here for you. By the look on your face, you knew too, but she still had to say the words for you.

“What happened,” you asked quietly. The doctor glanced over at Steve who gave her a nod to tell her.

“You experienced what’s called intrauterine growth restrictions,” she said. Your eyes looked down to your body, and Steve watched your face to gauge your thoughts. “The baby wasn’t growing at the rate she needed to be.. Unfortunately her oxygen levels dropped what we can guess was yesterday afternoon.”

“She?” Steve asked. Your head had snapped up at his question. The doctor nodded.

“The baby was a girl,” the doctor confirmed.

_ Was _ . The word hung heavily in the room and Steve watched as your lip began to tremble. He stood from his place and eased himself onto the edge of the bed, and you wasted no time in throwing yourself into his body. The soft cries you let out broke his heart, and he hugged you close to him. Every tremble, every grip to pull him closer, Steve felt it. He squeezed his eyes shut as tears threatened his own eyes, and stroked your head against his chest to get a focus on something.

Steve stayed with you that night, and all the others until you were released and ok’d to go home. Steve stayed with you while you readjusted to your apartment, and even made you some food. Steve hadn’t cooked in the longest time, and he knew that, but you didn’t say anything. You still offered a small and sad smile, and told him thank you. It wasn’t until he opened the door and two women stood there in confusion did he know it was time for him to go.

They had nearly glued themselves to your side, and Steve cleaned up the kitchen, slowly. He needed to linger, because the thought of what he needed to do next was too much for him at that point. He needed to listen to your voice a bit more as you replied to your friends, and when it finally came time for him to grab his own things, one of the women was by his side.

“So you’re Steve,” her silky voice said. Steve was sliding his arms through his jacket, and gave the red head a nod.

“I’m Steve,” he replied. She looked him over and gave him an approving nod.

“I’m Natasha, that’s Wanda,” she motioned back to the couch. “I just wanted to say.. Thank you. For being there with her.”

“I.. I wouldn’t have been anywhere else,” Steve said in a low voice. He took a couple steps through the kitchen to the front door and Natasha stepped in front of him, placing her own hand on the handle.

“Is that why you’ve been seeing the neighbor so much?” She asked in almost a whisper. Steve straightened up at her question, not letting anything show on his face. “To stay close by?”

Steve didn’t offer a reply, and Nat nodded to herself. It was all she needed to know. So she pulled open the door and stepped to the side, and Steve stared at her for a couple moments before walking out the door, and looked to Sharon’s. The red head stepped closer to the door frame and watched him for a moment, before speaking once more. “James told me.. About the hospital.”

Steve looked over at her once more, and she shrugged. “I’m not going to tell her what happened, but if you don’t.. He will, Steve.”

And with that, your door was closed. Steve looked back to Sharon’s door and took a deep breath before going over and knocking. He knew what he needed to do, what had to be done to protect you in this fragile state. You had your friends now, and it was time for Steve to go. So, he had the very uncomfortable (and very angry on Sharon’s behalf) conversation about ending things. She threw insults his way, and he just took it all. The only words he offered her was that she was right, and he was sorry. Because Steve was. He shouldn’t have done that, he knew it, but he just.. He needed a reason to be near you. But he couldn’t do that anymore. So she threw him out and slammed the door behind him, and Steve made his way to the stairs.

“I’m guessing I won’t be seeing you up there anymore?”

Your voice made him freeze on the second step down. Steve was hoping, praying, that he would make a clean getaway. But you just opened your door silently, and when he turned around you stood outside your place and watched him. Steve looked you over and took the two steps back up, and slowly made his way over. “I’m afraid so, angel.”

You stared at him and shook your head gently. Steve felt as if his world was coming tumbling down around him at your softened expression. “You could.. Still come my way.”

Steve pursued his lips together, and slowly he shook his head. “I’m afraid it’s the end of the line for us.”

Though he could see the tears that began to form in your eyes, you nodded anyway. Steve moved his hands up to cup your face and you watched him do so. You didn’t move, didn’t flinch, but your eyes fluttered shut as he head came down, and he placed a slow kiss on your forehead. Steve lingered there when you placed your hands on his arms, but he pulled away. Not just his body, but himself. He took a couple steps backwards and offered a final smile.

_ “I’ll see you around, angel.” _


	5. Your Last Bruise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to everyone who reached out and offered encouragement and understanding. it's been a month now since losing her and I still feel that hollowness, but it's getting better (not a lot, but a bit better.) So I wanted to share what I had ready for you guys.
> 
> Lots of Bucky content in here. Lowkey one of my fave pieces I've written, idk to me it's just beautiful.. Not to toot my own horn or anything. I was partially drunk writing it haha.
> 
> xoxo  
> caitlyn

James Buchanan Barnes knew from the moment his eyes landed on the woman who walked through the quad and knocked the wind out of him, that that was who he was going to marry. If she agreed of course. He spent the next few weeks building the courage to even speak to the nameless beauty he saw nearly every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. It took him well into the Fall semester to say anything, and of course his first interaction with you was rushed apologies since he basically rammed into you at a frat party. And consequently spilled yours, and his drink all over you.

Even at the rehearsal dinner before the wedding, his brother made it a point to remind Bucky about that night. Though everyone laughed, and he forced a smile and sipped at the wine before him, you were sure to grip onto his hand under the table and he looked over at you to see the twinkle in your eye. Bucky caught himself staring as his brother continued, looking over your glowing skin, your perfectly placed hair, the pout in your lips, and the smooth skin your off the shoulder dress exposed. You seemed to catch a glimpse of him from the corner of your eye and you turned to him and smiled. Bucky brought your hand that covered his own up to his lips and pressed a slow kiss to your fingers, quiet aww’s filling the room as he did so.

At the reception, Bucky watched as you danced with some of his (now yours too) nieces. He rubbed the ring around his finger, it warmed his skin and felt perfect. The whole day and now night was perfect. You were perfect under the glow of the dark and colorful lights, laughing as you danced in circles with the children and Bucky sat there with a smile on his lips. You glanced over at him and he winked, and he watched as you excused yourself with kisses to the girls foreheads before you lifted your dress a bit and walked back over to him. Your shoulders moved in a way that showed every bit of muscle, and the sweet spots that Bucky often nibbled on, and Bucky opened his arms as you sat yourself onto his lap. His hands trailed over your stomach to your back, one hand resting on your thigh that crossed under your dress, and he closed his eyes at the feeling of your fingers running into his hair behind his neck.

“Mr. Barnes,” you had nearly whispered into his ear. “I never knew you to tire so easily.”

“Oh I promise you, I’m not tired Mrs. Barnes,” he responded. He opened his eyes to look up at you and smiled a bit. “Just wanted to watch the most beautiful woman I know enjoy herself.”

One of your hands came forward to glide over his cheek. Your thumb trailed near his chin and he made a point to press a soft kiss against it. “Wouldn’t you rather watch up close?”

You had scratched against the nape of his neck and he groaned a bit, bringing you closer so he could press sweet kisses, and nibble gently on your neck. You giggled at his sentiment and squirmed in his lap when you had felt his hot breath against your ear. “God I fucking love you.”

Bucky Barnes had the perfect life. Marriage was truly wonderful. After the honeymoon the search for the first home you’d share together was first on the list. Neither of you had planned on living together with your two friends, Natasha and Wanda, but after graduating Bucky didn’t want to be separated from your side. So when you both entered the prospective apartment, he knew right away not only by the look on your face, but seeing it for himself that this was going to be it. Your first place together, just the two of you.

Of course until a child came along.

You had managed to turn the empty apartment into a home. Everyday, Bucky got through his work load by looking forward to getting  _ home _ to you. And the days he got to leave early and you were the one to be staying late, some days he’d either be the one waiting for you, or he’d grab takeout and join you at your job. He’d sneak into your office and when you’d return he’d have it all placed out on the floor neatly, and be there with a smile. There were a number of times you’d sit together, you in between his legs, and he’d stay until you were ready to go home.

So.. Where did it all go wrong?

In all honesty, there was nothing wrong with the marriage. Everything Bucky told Steve wasn’t entirely true. Looking back now, he knew it had started when you left your job. After that, you were either at home with him, or while he was at work you would go and see your friends from time to time. But it turned into a routine, and one that he slowly started to despise. There was no reason.. Well there was one but he shouldn’t have.. God he shouldn’t have done what he did. He shouldn’t have held that against you. Neither of you had any control over what was happening.. And now as he sat alone nursing the whiskey in his hand, alone in the unnecessary penthouse he bought for him and Connie (who left after he decided to end things) he went over every painstaking detail in his mind.

When you sat there on the other couch months ago when Bucky and Connie returned home from lunch, you knocked the wind out of him just like all those years ago. It was a fleeting moment as he had his eyes downcasted, tossing his keys onto the table by the front door, and Connie rambled on about something he wasn’t paying attention to. When she stopped speaking and he followed her gaze to the living room, there you were standing up to meet him. He was struck with awe, until Connie piped up behind him.

“What are you doing here?”

You had glanced between her and then back to Bucky. Your eyes held a wetness in them and you seemed to swallow what he assumed was a lump in the back of your throat. “I came to talk to Buck--”

You paused, and Bucky’s face fell a bit when you corrected yourself. “I came to talk to James.”

“Buck,” Connie whispered behind him. He looked over his shoulder and met her gaze, which was narrow and spiteful. He glanced back at you and nodded a bit to himself. “Go upstairs, Connie.”

“But--”

“ _ Go _ upstairs.. Please.”

He could practically feel her eyes staring at the back of his head, but after a few seconds she moved around him, making it a note to stomp up the stairs, down the hall, and slam the door shut. Bucky held your gaze, neither dared to blink until silence fell between them. He took a couple steps forward to the living room and you shifted a bit, both watching one another as he slowly undid his cuffs and slid his jacket off his body. As he walked into the living room he rested his jacket onto the back of a couch, and he motioned for you to sit, and nearly in sync you both sat on the same couch, on separate ends from one another.

Bucky watched as you rubbed your hands together and looked around these foreign surroundings, practically looking everywhere but at him. He knew something was weighing on you, something important, because you would have never stepped foot in here if it wasn’t a good cause. He knew you well enough to see the flushed cheeks, nervous movements, and carefully he edged closer without you noticing, until he could place a hand over yours, and you froze almost immediately.

“(Y/N).. What’s going on?” He asked quietly. You looked from his hand over yours, up his arm to his face. You searched his eyes for something, searched his face and just  _ him _ for some kind of clarification. Your lips moved to speak but nothing came out, so Bucky lifted his hands, both his flesh and his prosthetic, to engulf your face, using his thumbs to glide over your soft and familiar skin. Bucky felt his heart swell when your eyes closed at his touch, taking a shaky breath in and leaning into the palm of his false hand. “You can tell me anything.. Please--”

“I’m pregnant,” you whispered. Though Bucky still kept his hands on your face, his thumb stopped stroking you. When you opened your eyes to meet his, he must have had a shocked expression on his face. Because he was just that: shocked. In awe. Dumbfounded even. He didn’t have any words to offer, and your lip trembled just slightly. “Please say something.”

“You’re pregnant,” he repeated in a whisper back to you. When you nodded in the palms of his hand Bucky smiled, he couldn’t help but adjust himself so he could face you more, running his hand down your face as he rummaged over your revelation. You smiled at him, and he brought you in for an embrace. 

Bucky was going to be a father. You were going to be a mother. Just like you had both talked about for years at that point. As his hand laced into your hair, and your hands ran across his back, he looked up with tears in his eyes and his gaze landed on Connie, who stood silently on the runway that overlooked the living room. Her glare was evident, staring at him like she was condemning him to something.

Maybe he had done that to himself already.

Bucky separated from you and when you saw his fallen expression, he smiled solemnly at you. “You’ll be a great mother.”

He stood from his position, walking over the shelf that held all of his alcohol. He suddenly felt the need to down something, and he felt your eyes burning into him. He poured a nice hefty dose of whiskey, and threw it back with no problem. He heard you shuffle up, you must have been standing now. “This is what we wanted Buck..”

“This is what you wanted,” he countered. His throat burned at the lie, his eyes were soon to follow, he knew it. He heard you take a couple steps forward.

“Bucky.. James, I--”

“Don’t you fucking get it?” He snapped, turning around to face you. Your mouth closed, holding back what he could assume was a cry. He had to force the awful expression onto his face and narrowed his glare. “There is no you and me anymore. Just you.. And I don’t want a part of this.”

Bucky felt his heart break that day. He knew what his lie had done to you, the tears that slid down your cheeks and the tearful goodbye you gave him. He thought about it everyday after, and when he got the call from the hospital.. He was devastated. When Steve told him to leave, when he learned about Steve’s feelings, Bucky thinks it snapped him out of it. He was angry at himself for being a fucking idiot, he was angry his best friend had fallen for the person Bucky had fallen for too, and even more upset that he couldn’t be there with you. For you. You deserved that at least.

Here he was, in the early hours of the morning he was trying to drown himself in his own thoughts. It wasn’t working, even his third drink in, he was only pulled from his memories when there was a knock on his door. He grumbled a bit, he had been ignoring Steve’s messages for two weeks now, and he made his way over to the door, pulling it open and ready to toss the liquid at his so-called-friend.

But what stood before him made him freeze.

You stood there, hands shoved into a jacket and stood in a position ready to bolt if he hadn’t opened the door. But when you two came face to face you faced him straight-on, and offered a nod. “James..”

“(Y/N).. Hey, uh.. What are you doing here?” He asked, hiding the cup behind the wooden door and you glanced down to your feet.

“Well I was hoping we could talk, actually.”

His heart fluttered. Bucky didn’t hesitate offering a nod and muttering and of course, not to sound too desperate. He stepped to the side and you carefully entered, painfully aware of what happened the last time you were in this place. The deeper into his territory you walked, Bucky was quick to hide the glass on the kitchen counter out of sight. He followed you and you two sat in a similar position on the same couch from a couple months before, on opposite ends and in silence. Bucky cleared his throat, leaning forward to rest his arms on his legs.

“Would you like a, uh, drink? Water?”

“No, I’m fine.. I’m not staying long,” you replied. Bucky nodded a bit.

“Oh,” was all he could seem to say. You watched him, now he was the one sitting there, rubbing his hands together. You looked down at your own before you were able to pull your thoughts together.

“I know I shouldn’t really be here, what with us starting our hearings soon but.. But there was something I was hoping we could settle just between us.. Without the lawyers,” you said. Bucky had looked over to watch you speak, and nodded along with you.

“Of course. Anything for you,” Bucky said.

You had caught the notion, the reference back to another time when it held a much more sincere meaning. You looked back down to your own hands and let out a quiet sigh. “I.. I want to give up the lease on the apartment.. But since we both signed it, we both have to be there to put in the 30 day notice. Sign the papers and all.”

Bucky blinked at you, his mind whirling at your request. “(Y/N).. You love that place. Why.. Why would you want to leave?”

You smiled a bit to yourself, but to Bucky it was sad. You finally looked over at him, and shook your head. “I can’t be there anymore, Buck.. That was  _ our  _ home. Where we were supposed to build a family and.. And that’s not happening anymore.. You moved on, Buck, but.. But it’s time I had a chance to do that too. And I can’t do that there, not when you’re everywhere that I look.”

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. Bucky listened to your words and felt his throat burn the more you continued. But now that he heard you bare your soul and heart to him, all he could do was apologize. “Whenever you need me to be there.. I’ll be there.”

“Why d-didn’t you come.. Why didn’t you come and see me and the baby?”

It was so quiet it made him stretch to try and hear you. He was closer, close enough to grab ahold of your shaky hands but he didn’t dare to. He was going to answer when a knock on his door forced him to stop and sigh. He excused himself and stood, stomping just a bit to the front door to see who the hell was interrupting this tender moment, and pulled it open and was nearly pushed to the side.

Well would you fucking look at that.

“I gotta talk to you, Buck,” Steve said, pushing past Bucky into the penthouse. Bucky stared after him, Steve turning on the ball of his feet and backing up deeper and deeper into an already fucked situation. “You’ve been ignoring me and god damn it I need to say my--”

Steve spun around to face the living room and froze in his place. When you heard the familiar voice, you stood and stared dumbfounded to see your.. Well you didn’t know what to call him frankly, but you stared at him, Steve stared at you, and Bucky closed the front door and shuffled over to the both of them.

“--peace,” Steve finally finished. He was struck in awe, shock, his heart pounded hard enough he could feel it in his ears. Steve promptly closed his mouth, and Bucky crossed his arms as he came up to his pal’s side.

“Steve?” You asked. Of course it was him but you blinked and motioned between the two men before you. “You two know each other?”

Before Steve could answer, Buck nodded and took a step forward. “Oh did he never tell you he was my best friend? Supposed to be the best man at our wedding?”

Your attention went from Bucky after he finished speaking to Steve and gaped a bit before your brows furrowed in confusion. “You were..  _ You  _ were the best friend I never met, who moved away before we got engaged.. Steve that was you?”

“Yes,” Steve whispered. Your eyes looked over him, now put together like the Steve you had met what seemed so long ago. But you started to shake your head in denial, and Steve took a couple steps closer to you. “Please.. Please listen to me, angel--”

“Don’t call me that,” you interjected. Steve stopped in his tracks, close enough to where he towered over you, and he swallowed the lump forming in his throats. This close he could see your eyes water, and see the betrayal that stared back at him. “What was all that.. Pity? You did all that for.. For fucking pity?”

Steve, as well as Bucky who watched on, had never seen you so angry. Disappointed. Maybe even betrayed. With Steve you shared a part of yourself in your darkest of times, and in your eyes it was all a ruse. A faked friendship or whatever it was turning into. Steve shook his head, and tried to take another step closer.

“I swear to you.. I didn’t know at first,” Steve tried to reason. You stood there, not moving as he edged closer, holding his gaze before he came to a stop before you. Steve slowly reached his hand out to cup your cheek and your breath hitched. Bucky’s eyes narrowed at the sight behind them. “I didn’t put it together until he showed up at the hospital and--”

“What do you mean showed up at the hospital?” You asked. Steve stopped his explanation and could see your brows furrow again in confusion. You looked behind him at Bucky who still stood with his arms crossed, but a soft expression when you looked his way. “Bucky you came?”

“Of course I came,” Bucky said. Your attention went back to Steve, and calmly reached up and took his hand off your skin. Stever started to shake his head, but you beat him to speak first.

“Steve did you stop him from seeing me?”

It was a simple question, but Steve still felt his hands get sweaty in anticipation and nervousness. You had released his hand, looking at him with those fucking eyes he knew he couldn’t resist and he slowly nodded. “Yes.. Yes I guess I did.. But I thought it would be better if.. If he wasn’t there! It had hit me everything he had said about you and--”

“Stop,” you told him. Steve’s expression fell when he saw your eyes water. Your eyes shifted over his face and you grimaced a fake smile to stop your bottom lip from trembling. “That wasn’t your decision to make Steve.”

“I know.. I know it wasn’t and I’m so sorry about that.. But I just.. I care about you. More than I’ve cared about anyone in a long time. You made me feel like me again and I--”

“Please don’t,” you whispered. A couple tears had slid down your cheeks, and Steve stopped immediately. His confession was edging more into your heart and you couldn’t take it right now. He didn’t dare reach out to wipe the tears that rolled down your cheeks, he had to watch as you disappeared around him. When you were out of his view, his eyes fell down to the floor, feeling a tear fall down his face and into his beard.

“I’ll let you know when to come sign the papers,” you said to Bucky. Bucky had lightly placed a hand to your lower back, escorting you to the door and nodded at your departing comment. When the door closed behind you, and he was now alone with his best friend, he turned back around to face the angry stare of Steve.

Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes were about to have the test of a lifetime in regards to their friendship.


	6. I Feel the Salty Waves Come In

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eek lmao don't hate me for more bucky content, it's going to matter in the next couple parts why he's acting the way he is.

For the first time in her life, Natasha Romanoff wasn’t sure what she was supposed to do.

It was a bitter pill to swallow, but she had to admit it to herself. She didn’t know what to do to help her friend. First it was the lying sack of shit James, then losing the baby, and now to see her friend reeling from yet another betrayal left her nearly grasping for straws. She knew what mysterious Steve did was wrong and not his place, but she also knew he was trying to do the right thing. And to her?.. He did. James had not been a part of your life for months, and you were starting to do so much better.. She hated to admit that it wasn’t her handy work.

It was because of Steve.

Natasha couldn’t help but wonder if the reason why you were doing so much better during that time was because of the person you had told her so much about. So when she finally came face to face with him she definitely understood everything a bit more. One thing you hadn’t disclosed to her and Wanda was just how attractive the man was, or the way he looked at you with  _ those  _ eyes.

Yup.  _ Those  _ eyes. The man was crazy about you, and either you were blind as a bat or you somehow chalked it up to something else.

That’s something she knew you needed the most help with. Reading people better.

It had been a few weeks since the situation blew up at James’ apartment, you had called her asking to come over to her shared place with Wanda - and of course Natasha agreed. You didn’t tell her on the phone what was going but, but she knew. Natasha always knows. So when you came in, pacing back and forth angry and then stopping in near tears, she wasn’t surprised. And it all but confirmed another thought she had had.

You were starting to feel the same way about Steve.

Natasha was brought back to the present, sitting on the floor of your living room beside Wanda, rolling up glass after glass in newspaper and then bubble wrap. Your place was starting to look more and more like when James moved out: covered in boxes. But even now, Natasha eyed you across the room trying to figure out what was going on inside that head of yours. You were surprisingly calm given the fact you were about to move back in with Nat and Wanda after thinking you had found your person.

Ouch. That actually kind of hurt Nat.

Wanda was the first to try and break the silence, glancing over at Natasha as if looking for permission to do so, and built up a smile for you. “I was thinking maybe the first night you get settled we can all have a girls night. Watch that Brendan Fraiser movie you like so much.”

“Oh god please, we’ve seen it a hundred times,” Nat said.

“Mrs. Winterbourne is a  _ classic _ , thank you very much,” you chimed in. “Peak Brendan Fraiser content.”

“You have to admit it’s a good movie, Nat,” Wanda elbowed her side. Nat rolled her eyes and shrugged.

“Shirley MacLaine was pretty fantastic.. And Rikki Lake..” Natasha’s voice drifted off, only to then notice her two friends staring at her with raised brows. She sighed and shook her head. “And Brendan Fraiser. There. You happy?”

“Over the moon,” you laughed. Wanda and Nat exchanged a look before continuing. They missed the way you hovered over a picture frame with your fingers, tracing something behind the plastic, before looking up at the time. “Shit.” You mumbled as you wrapped the frame up and moved around the pair to the door.

“What is it?” Wanda asked as you unlocked the door.

“I told Bucky 12--” you stopped mid sentence as you pulled the door open and was met face to face with the man in question. Did Natasha see the way you practically tensed up when you met his eyes? Yes. But you on the other hand swallowed the lump in your throat and nodded a bit at your soon-to-be ex-husband. “Hi.”

“Hi,” Bucky replied. You told your friends you’d be right back and Bucky stepped to the side to let you come out freely. You couldn’t help but wipe your hands down the jeans you were wearing as Bucky let you walk ahead and down the stairs. Each step echoed through the hallways and even in your mind.

Packing up your life (your life with him) was bringing up so many.. Unanswered thoughts and feelings. So when you both made it outside the leasing office, you couldn’t help but notice the familiar, nearly intoxicating scent of his cologne. Bucky was dressed more like himself, not in the suits you had seen him wearing in that god awful penthouse a few times over these last few months. Jeans, a loose but not too loose shirt that showed his arms very nicely (you hated to admit) and it all but felt like too much. Bucky cleared his throat, shuffling his weight from one foot to the other, which made you side eye him.

“You look good,” he said. You looked down at yourself and thought about the state of your hair. You were a mess. Probably hot and sweaty from moving things around all day. So you couldn’t help but chuckle a bit.

“I look awful,” you replied. “I look as if I just did a marathon.”

“Maybe not a marathon,” Bucky chimed in. “More like a 5k.”

“Thanks, Buck,” you mumbled, but you two broke out in a shared laugh. It halted for a moment when the door was pulled open, and one of the assistants asked if you both could have a seat for a bit. You hesitantly agreed and sat on one of the benches and Bucky followed suit. He was careful not to touch his knee with yours as you sat there beside him, and Bucky rested his hands in his lap and took a look around.

“Remember the last time we sat here?” Bucky asked you. You took a deep breath as you thought back to that time, what seemed so long ago. You nodded your head a bit.

“Yeah.. I remember.”

Bucky started laughing. You looked over to him and he tried to cover his mouth to stifle the laughs but they just kept coming. You couldn’t help but smile and turn more to face him. “What’s so funny?”

“I was just thinking about how you were bouncing off the walls while they ran our information,” Bucky said between laughs. “I mean you were frantically whispering about everything that could go wrong. My lack of a rental history, your shit credit score—“

“My credit score wasn’t shit!”

“It was shit, don’t lie to yourself,” Bucky said. When your shoulders fell and you shook your head, you both laughed. It was.. It was like old times. Just the two of you.

“I remember you were just as nervous as me, Bucky,” you told him. Someone started to come down the stairs and you both did your best to hold in your laughs and look as calm as possible (though the person just gave you weird looks). You smiled a bit to yourself as you rubbed your fingers over one of your hands. “You sweat when you’re nervous.”

“I was nervous because I knew how much you wanted this place,” Bucky said. You couldn’t help but notice that serious tone of voice he got, especially when he was telling the truth. “I didn’t want to disappoint you.”

_ Didn’t want me disappointed over an apartment and then went on to have an affair? How strange. _

You swallowed the lump in your throat and shrugged your shoulders. “It wouldn’t have been your fault Buck.. We always could have tried again.”

“Could we?” He asked suddenly. Your head shot up from his question and you met his gaze. James Buchanan Barnes, your James, stared back at you with his puppy dog eyes. They were filled with curiosity, and.. Well, hope. Your mouth fell open to answer, or to try and form an answer, but you were saved by the door opening and one of the leasing agents saying they were ready for you. 

It was simple. Since you were month to month at that point, it was just a matter of giving your thirty days and returning the keys on the 30th day. The manager had looked away to type on his computer, and you stared down at the paper before you, one line for you, the other for Bucky. He watched you during the whole conversation, and when you didn’t make the first move he wanted to reach over, but he looked at the pen before him and instead took it upon himself to sign first.

You watched him do it, sign his name so effortlessly, and set it back down for you to sign next. With a sharp inhale you reached for the pen and signed your name right next to his. Probably one of the last few times you’d sign your name like that. You set the pen back down and the manager took the paperwork, and took away the drying signature you had your eyes focused on.

_ (Y/N) Barnes. _

So it was done. You rubbed your hands together as you walked towards the stairs, Bucky lingering behind towards the staircase. You took a couple steps up before you turned back to face him, and he had his hands shoved into his jeans, watching you again. “Thank you for doing this.”

“Of course, whatever you need,” Bucky’s voice trailed off. You both stared at one another knowing this was it. But Bucky moved up a step below you, and you froze. “If you changed your mind, and you want to stay here, we can go back in. Tell them to rip up the papers—”

“No I.. Bucky I can’t stay here. I can’t--”

“You love this place, (Y/N)--”

“I also loved you!” You exclaimed. Bucky stopped talking immediately, mouth closing and his eyes shifted, almost darker. You felt the lump form in your throat again as you stared down at him, and shook your head. “You don’t know how hard it’s been to be in there  _ everyday _ . You were everywhere I looked, hell I couldn’t even cook dinner for the first few weeks because every footstep I heard I thought it was you.”

You felt the sting of tears when you met his eyes again. You shrugged your shoulders, your voice coming out in a near whisper. “It was never you though.. You just.. Fuck, you just  _ left _ , like nothing mattered.. Like I never mattered.”

“You mattered,” Bucky said quietly. His voice was rough, like he was holding his own tears back, but he did what he did best. Pretended to be strong. “You  _ still _ matter.. What I did was fucking awful. Nothing will change that (Y/N), but this.. Please I want to fix this. Something. Just do something right for once.”

You didn’t know what he was asking you. He still stood on the step below yours, looking up at you like you were back at that party in college. You felt your heart breaking all over again, but you smiled sadly at him before looking down to your feet. “Sometimes doing the right thing means giving up something important to you.”

Silence filled the air after you said that. You weren’t sure if you were talking about the apartment anymore, really you weren’t sure what was happening. Suddenly, you felt the all too familiar feeling of Bucky’s fingers spreading over your cheek, and you looked up to meet his eyes again. His long fingers moved past your ear and spread over your neck, and his thumb traced over the skin of your flushed cheek. You weren’t sure if you were breathing, but you just couldn’t help but lean into his touch. You had missed this touch so much.

Bucky took another step up, and you were pushed further back until your back touched the wall. You were numb, fuzz filled your mind when all you could do was just stare into those beautiful fucking eyes. Was that your heart pounding in your ears? You couldn’t tell past the intense heat you felt radiating from him, his free hand had somehow managed to grip hold onto your waist, god he was so close to you you were weak in the knees. “Buck--“

“Ask me to stop and I will,” he whispered. Both of your hot breaths mixed with one another, and he stroked your cheek once more. “But I haven’t stopped thinking about feeling you like this for so long.”

“I can’t,” you said back in an equal whisper. “ _ We  _ can’t, Bucky.. Please--”

He looked down at you intoxicating blue eyes, and ran his thumb over your cheek one more time, and then suddenly he pulled himself away from you. You felt as if you could breathe again, but seeing Bucky stop before he made it all the way out your door made your stomach flip again. His hand hovered over the handle and he asked you a question.

“Is it because of Steve?”

You didn’t know how to reply in all honesty. But he looked back over at you with the saddest look on his face, like when his gaze changed that day you broke your news to him. Your mouth fell open to form an answer, but nothing came to mind. But that seemed to be all Bucky needed to see. He pulled open the door and shut it a little harsh behind him. You swallowed the lump that formed in your throat, and step by step walked back up the stairs to your apartment, the threat of tears stinging your eyes along the way.

* * *

Phil Coulson was everything you needed in a lawyer.

At first you were very against accepting Tony’s offer to not only recommend counsel, but to pay for it as well. You were grateful just for the chance to go back to work, that that offer felt like highway robbery. But of course, Tony being who he was, told you he wasn’t going to take no for an answer. He said, and you quoted this verbatim, that if you didn’t accept his offer he would proceed to ignore all your calls just to watch the light blink. When he then proceeded to do it for a full week you finally agreed.

Phil was great. You started to meet with him right before you found out about your pregnancy, and weekly after that to prepare. Negotiations between yourself (Phil) and Bucky (someone named Sam) were rough, his lawyer was relentless to say the least. It was the day before your first face-to-face meeting with both parties, because in all honesty you wanted to avoid court at all cost. It should be easy, there wasn’t anything either one wanted from one another, the apartment was gone, neither of you owned any property, no large amount of money.. Phil reassured you this was all a formality. The last step before the courts would dissolve the marriage.

You had opted to walk, which was looking to be more and more of a mistake. The sunshine was quickly being overcome by dark clouds and the distant sound of thunder. You couldn’t help but grumble to yourself, dodging people left and right to make it back to the nearly empty apartment you still called home for another week. You had your eyes glued to your upcoming building but your feet stopped you dead in your tracks.

Steve.

Steve was pacing back and forth in front of the steps up to your building. His back was to you but you knew he was going to turn around any second now. There was no way you would make it inside without him seeing you. God, why was your life like this? You couldn’t see him right now, not after the whirlwind moment with Bucky, not knowing you had to see him the next day.. What if they were still friends? Was this a trick? There’s  _ no way  _ he just shows up the day before everything is about to go down. Maybe if you walked quick enough up the stairs--

Steve turned around and overlooked the direction you were coming from, you could see him scan over each head and face before his eyes landed on you. You tried your best to avoid him, kept your eyes to the ground, but nothing stopped him from still being at the front of the steps when you finally got all the way there. He stood before you like a wall of bricks, and already you wanted to just vanish into thin air. “Can we--”

“Please let me by,” you said in a low tone of voice Steve moved to the side without question, and you hopped up one, two, four steps until you could push open the door to your building. You nearly flung your hand to hold onto the banister of the stairs, taking two steps at a time up, feeling Steve pushing on behind you.

“(Y/N). Please can we just talk for two seconds?” Steve asked behind you. He was following you up, one or two steps behind, and stopped when you got to the top and turned back to face him.

“What is there to talk about?” You asked him. Steve gripped onto the railing and sighed with a shake of his head.

“I know I shouldn’t have turned him away, it wasn’t my place to make that decision. But after  _ everything  _ he said, how he treated you.. I didn’t want him to upset you anymore. You didn’t need that,” Steve tried to explain. He watched as you chewed on the inside of your cheek, arms crossed, and how your eyes shifted back to him when he was done.

“Whether you like it or not.. Steve, he was the father of our child. If he wanted to be there he had the right to.”

“I know,” Steve said quietly. “I know that. But I didn’t care about him at that moment, or right now. I only care about you.”

You gulped. Silence fell between you two and Steve just watched you to try and gauge your thoughts on what he just said. He could see the brow raise in surprise, the crinkle around your eyes as you looked him over, and the part in your lips to catch your breath. But you retreated from him with a shake of your head and grabbed your keys from your pocket.

He wasn’t going to let you run away from him again.

“Go home, Steve,” you said as you turned to go to your door. Steve bounded up those last few stairs and got to your door just in time before you could hide yourself away inside. You had turned back to close it only to be met face-to-chest with him, chest heaving as he looked down at you. Your face was more calm, like you were trying to accept what he was saying. Steve kept to himself, and spoke in almost a whisper.

“Please don’t close me out again.”

You closed your eyes and looked down to your feet for a moment. Steve watched as you let out a small sigh and stepped back and opened your door further for him. Steve took a few steps into the apartment he got to frequent on those few occasions and looked around your place. As you clicked the door shut behind him he saw the few boxes that remained, the emptiness, and Steve shoved his hands into his jacket. “You’re.. Leaving?”

“I’m moving back in with my friends, until I find somewhere to live,” you explained to him. You had moved around him and stripped your jacket off as you sat down on the couch that still was in the living room. Steve nodded a bit to himself, but it still didn’t help him feel better about it. “I can’t be here anymore.”

“This is what you were meeting Bucky over that day wasn’t it?” Steve asked you. You offered him a nod. Steve let out a sigh and shook his head. “I’m sorry.”

“It was time to move on,” you tried to reason, more with yourself then with him. Steve finally took a seat on the opposite end of the couch and leaned forward to rest his arms on his legs. He sucked in some air and rubbed his hands together.

“I know how much this place means to you,” Steve said. He glanced over at you and smiled a bit. “But I know how much more it means for you to finally be yourself again.”

You fell silent. What he had said no one else seemed to have understood about your decision. You didn’t know if Steve knew that, but all he did was smile and look you over. All he did was offer you comfort from a distance. You shook your head and couldn’t help the smile that fell over your lips. “You always seem to know exactly what to say.”

“Because I see you,” Steve whispered. Your smile fell and along with it the gaze you held with him. Steve though didn’t stop staring, taking in every detail of your form. “All I always ever just saw was you. Not the idea of what you wanted others to see.. It was only ever you.”

“Why are you..” your voice trailed off when you looked back up to meet his gaze. Those soft blue eyes looked back at you and it felt like your heart rate fluttered for a moment. “Why are you telling me all this?”

“Because I’m trying to show you that it was never about Bucky, what I was doing with you,” Steve tried to explain. He had taken the opportunity to move closer, but he didn’t dare touch you yet. “Even if I had known about you and Buck, it wouldn’t change the fact I was there for  _ you _ . Even now. And I just want you to know I’m sorry.”

God he really had a way with words. You were falling right into those large muscular arms with the way he was looking at you and talking to you. You couldn’t deny the fact you had missed him. Steve had become an integral part of your life without you fully realizing it until he was gone, down those steps and out the building when your friends relieved him from his duties. You missed his company, his words, those eyes.. But something in the form of guilt ate at you at the same time.

Why were you upset with him? He thought he was doing the right thing, and though you were angry that he had been another person making a decision for you, he was probably right. You didn’t need to see Bucky at that moment.. You needed to see him. You let out a sigh and Steve watched you in wonder.

“If you make a decision for me again it better only be something like food, or a drink,” you said. Steve’s face broke out in a smile and you did your best not to match it. “But this means probation.”

“I can do probation,” Steve said, maybe a little too quickly. “If it means you’re talking to me again, I can definitely do probation.”

Steve stayed for a few more hours until you were ready to go to bed. You had a big day in the morning after all. Though you didn’t tell him what it was, he didn’t push you to share. His final words to you spun around in your head as you fell asleep that night.

_ I’ll see you around, angel. _


End file.
